"When a man is getting better, he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse, he understands his own badness less and less."
In this season of my life, I am being bombarded with second chances, rebirth, redemption and just a fullness and rebirth of life that continues to amaze me, as well as others in my life. To think of where I was just one short year ago...well, no one can deny God's hand on my life that's for sure. But, when I read this quote in a book, it really expressed how I feel right now...humbled and very aware of where I have a lot of work yet to do in my life.
This weekend I had one of those moments...where something so good and joyous is happening...that it literally broke me down and made me cry in reflection. Opposite response expected, right? But after the moment, I felt so humbled and unworthy because of the restorative process that I can see God currently doing in my life. And it's because I understand all too well where I've messed up, missed the mark, controlled things in the past and been outside of God's will for my life that I feel this way...but because God loves me so much, He's given me a second chance despite my past mistakes. A do over of sorts. That's grace. That's mercy. And I don't feel I deserve it in any form or fashion, but I'm so very thankful for it all the same. I'm not saying I beat myself up every day over the past...I don't. But, I still have to live with the consequences of my actions in the past, even though I've repented and been forgiven, it doesn't mean I still wish I hadn't of made some of those choices. But yet, I see that I'm right where God wants me to be at this very moment. All of those life experiences have gotten me to this point...and maybe this point is where I was supposed to be all along (I just took a very long route with some detours to get here). Time will tell...but I constantly pray that I will empty my hands of any control and let God lead me to where He wants me to go.
I am so very blessed and I know God has poured favor all over my life...again, humbling. But at the same time, I'm so conscious of the mistakes I've made in the past, that at times, I almost feel paralyzed and afraid to do something because I'm afraid I will do it all wrong. I think it's because I don't want to screw up and repeat history...subconsciously, I'm very aware of my weaknesses and past mistakes. So, instead, I feel like doing nothing...that's not of God and that's me giving myself way to much credit that I can do everything right anyways! When I was having my quiet time this morning, this verse hit home and resonated with me in a new way:
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
It just reminded me that yes, I am weak, I do have flaws (sorry to disappoint you reading this but it's the truth and I am not perfect!), but yet, that's ok! Those flaws and those weaknesses can be perfected through Christ's transforming work He's doing through and to me...His grace and power are more than enough for me. Simply stated: I can't do it on my own...never could. And I realize another part of this is that I can take no credit for anything going on right now...God wants it to be evident to all that this is all by HIS hand...and not mine. So that feeling of being "frozen in fear" is for sure not of the Lord...it's the enemy's way of keeping me grounded and preventing me from taking that step of faith and grabbing on to something great that God has in store for me.
Many things I'm involved in right now are totally, 100% brand new to me...and that's scary, but at the same time exciting. I think some of the biggest, faith-filled miracles always have to have a little element of fear because let's face it...we ARE human! (case in point: David and Goliath, Moses and the exodus out of Egypt, Virgin Mary and the birth of Christ...you get the picture). Despite the fears we may have, the blessings will come from taking the leap of faith as God commands and expecting Him to show up in big ways. My head knows that...but sometimes when your heart is pounding, it's hard to remember those things! Once again, just so very thankful and humbled for God's grace and perfect timing...I would be lost without it!
Humbled,
JOY
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