'Tis the Season

I can't believe I haven't written a post in two weeks!  That just shows that I, like the rest of the world, have been extremely busy just due to the time of the year.  It is so easy to get overbooked during the holidays without even trying.  The first two weeks of this month were craziness for me with vacationing in New York right after getting back from Thanksgiving break.  I think I met myself coming and going!

I've been doing a 25 day Christmas study/devotion this month and I have really enjoyed digging into the Word and learning more in depth about the promises and back story to the birth of Christ.  As a Christian, this time of the year is so special because it is a time to remember the birth of our Savior.  It truly is the reason for and behind the season and to me, it is heart breaking that many people miss that important fact.  Don't get me wrong, I love every part of Christmas from santa, to frosty, to gifts, to decorating the tree, to cooking and more importantly eating, to looking at Christmas lights and singing carols and of course most importantly, being with family...but to me, that's just the fluff and icing of Christmas.  The real substance of the holiday is the birth of Christ.

This time of the year is just a pressure cooker of a season and more people are depressed and lonely during the holidays than any other time of the year.  It is so easy to focus on what you don't have, how little money you have, what gifts you didn't get, how you wish your Christmas lights were better than your neighbors...whatever...but don't let the world steal the joy of the season!  Last year, I was given the most precious of gifts in the most unfashionable way that completely transformed Christmas to me forever more and I would like to share a little of that story here today. 

Due to having a spouse walk out of my life right before Thanksgiving last year, it meant that I had to make it through the holiday trifecta of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years alone.  For a person who was already depressed and whose world had just fallen apart, that is about as low of a blow as you can receive!  Add to that I found out he had filed for divorce and I got served papers TWICE the week before the holiday and I was pretty darn low as one can imagine.  Due to how we had already arranged our "holiday schedule" months before with families, it mean that I would actually spend Christmas day at home, now alone, after celebrating with my family the week before Christmas.  Now, don't go feeling too sorry for me as I had PLENTY of friends and family inviting me to do things with them and most offers, I politely declined because let's face it, I was pretty much a party destroyer with my emotional state of mind and I was okay with my Christmas being depressing, but I didn't want to ruin anyone elses.  I went to church on Christmas Eve after spending some time with a dear friend's family that took me in...and then the snow began to set in (in fact I barely made it home as the roads were so bad that night).  It was actually the beginnings of a White Christmas, which was beautiful and wonderful and NEVER happens in Texas, but it also meant that any plans I had for Christmas day were now squaushed because the roads were pretty treacherous in our area.  I was isolated.  I got home Christmas Eve night and I did what I did best at that point in my life...I sat there and I cried and I prayed...a lot.  Alone with my thoughts.  Quiet.  I thought about all the people surrounded by their families, their husbands, their loved ones at that moment and I took a long hard look around me and in that moment...I was ashamed and I felt like a failure.  You see, everything I had worked so hard for as in a career, a business, a marriage, and "stuff" that had been acquired (emphasis on I)...didn't really mean much in that moment.  Let's just say I needed a priority shift in my life.  I know now that God isolated me in that season of my life for a reason...to teach me some valuable lessons...and I don't mean that in a vengeful, punishing way...I mean that in a loving, caring, fatherly way. 

The next morning, I woke up to a beautiful white Christmas.  I was determined to make the most of the day and not be depressed as I had been the night before.  There is nothing like a snow covered morning to make you realize that every day is a do-over and the slate has been wiped clean.  That was a gift and I knew it was just for me.  I then sat with my coffee and opened my Bible and I read the Christmas story and the words leapt off the page.  Although I had read and heard the story umpteen times, it was like this time was the very first time.  I meditated on the fact that God would bring such a gift to the world, His very own son, knowing the end result...as in 33 years later, Jesus would die a horrible death on a cross that He most certainly did not deserve and that His last words would be "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me".  What a gift, what a sacrifice and what a plan for our salvation.  I began to just get a glimpse of the love that God had for me, for each of us, to give that kind of a gift to the world in order to save our eternity and to cover over our sins, our failures, and our missteps.  The birth of Christ is a gift that not a one of us deserved, but because of our Father's love for us, He set His plan into motion.  It is about second chances, hope, and love DESPITE our failures.  There is nothing I could do to deserve that valuable of a gift, but in that moment of reflection, I "got it" and I began to see there would be a light at the end of the tunnel for me, there was something to hope for and there was most certainly a master plan in motion.  Not to say the next year wasn't without its ups and downs but in that moment, I received the gift of hope and love.  In short, after all these years, I was able to process on a deeper level what Christmas truly meant to me.  That revelation was a gift and a precious time that I will never forget and it has become a defining moment in my life.  Again, what the enemy meant to harm me, depress me and to be my undoing...God used for His purposes as He began to show me He was in control of my life and that ultimately brought me peace and joy.

So, this Christmas, be sure and take the time to think about what this season means and don't get lost in the stress and the hustle and the bustle that the world brings with this season.  Take the time to reflect, to meditate, to be humbled on the price that gift ultimately cost and I guarantee you the rest of the "stresses" of the holiday will fade away, and you, too, will celebrate Christmas with a grateful and humble heart.

He is the Reason!

Joy

Finding Yourself in the Most Unlikely of Places

I turned 35 years young about two weeks ago and since then, I've really been thinking a lot about what I've learned and how I've changed in the past ten years.  I'm beginning to see that the person I wanted to be and thought I was...I really never was at all.  Personally, I think we spend a lot of our 20's trying to prove ourselves, establish a career, obtain riches, and just show the world that we have made it and we are successful.  In short, we all want to say we are living the American dream...a big house, great job, loving spouse, 2 cars in the garage, and 2.2 kids if you look at the stats (I guess some of us have to throw that curve off!).  But after we obtain that "dream"...plus all the other stuff that goes along with it...I think most of us realize it was just an illusion all along and we got lied to by the world as to what brings true happiness.  In our 30's, we begin to see that money really doesn't buy happiness (or class if we want to be more specific!).  A job and a nice income is wonderful and you have to put food on the table somehow but it doesn't fulfill you the way you thought it would when you were broke as a joke in college living on Ramen and hamburger helper!  The more we make...the more we spend generally (now that's the American way for sure) and we really never get anywhere.  We begin to realize in our 30's that family and friends can't be replaced by a      J-O-B...if there isn't enough time for the people in our lives, then what are we working so hard for?

Nothing causes self discovery like going through some sort of tragedy, and going through a divorce has been that vehicle for me.  I've had to take a hard look at myself, and at times, I've not liked what I've found.  Only by the grace of God and His infinite mercy have I been able to really change, be refined, and reshaped into a person that I'm liking a whole lot better.  I'm about the least perfect person out there, so don't take this as I think I'm perfect...but I'm a good work in progress!  While I've been on this path, I started questioning myself about who I really am...not who I want to be, but what is my identity in Christ.  There is a big difference if you think about it.  So, a lot of self discovery has gone on and through that, I've found me again.  I've talked before about "gettin' back to my roots" and that process has continued as I've simplified and quieted my life.  I spoke, as well, yesterday about what I'm thankful for and in a way, this ties in to that topic.  I'm thankful for just figuring out, at 35, who I really am at my core and what I LIKE...and that's not based on anyone else's opinion of me, such as a parent, a spouse, a sister/brother, employee, friend, or boss...just me plain and simple.  I'm in to lists this month so here we go on a few things I realize I really do love...

• Big Texas-sized truck:  I had never had a car until about 2 years ago and I drove a BMW that was a sweet ride during that time period.  The car was fun, I'm not going to lie, and I may have another one some day BUT I'm back in a truck again for practical reasons and I love it.  It's not new, in fact it's old and has a lot of miles on it, but there's something to be said about the respect you get, particularly as a woman, driving a dually...I mean people treat you with respect that you definitely don't get driving a fancy car!  Instead of trying to run you off the road, they get out of the way! 
• Texas in general:  For the longest time, I wanted to get out of Texas.  I was tired of people talking about my accent, I was tired of being labelled a Texan when I traveled (let me say everyone knows Texas around the world due to GW Bush and the TV show Dallas...we have to take after one or the other in their eyes!), I was tired of being a North Texas snob (sorry that's my name for us up here in DFW) and to be honest, I was just tired of the dang hot summers.  And, I had never lived outside of Texas so I just didn't want to be "that person" who lived and died in the same area code, like that was a dishonorable thing of sorts.  But something changed in the last few years...I began to be proud of where I lived, I began to realize that "getting away" was just an environmental change because I wasn't happy with my self or my situation and a new zip code wasn't going to fix that problem...and I also began to realize Texas is home. In the last year, I've fallen in love with East Texas, where I was born and raised, all over again.  I'm sorry, but this area of  North Texas is just not pretty.  You won't convince me of it no matter how hard you try.  Sure I'm ruffling some feathers here, but it's my blog and my opinion!  I really like my house and where I live, BUT do you know there are four little stinkin' trees on nearly ten acres?  I feel like I live in the plains...I love the beauty of the East Texas pines, even if they do make me sneeze sometimes.  I love to see the leaves change as you drive through the country in the fall.  I love to see all the rolling pastures in the summer with the green coastal waving in the breeze.  I love to talk to people whose accent is more severe than mine.  I love those good ole East Texas sayings that no one up here ever seems to get (come stay awhile in East Texas and you will see that I didn't make this stuff up...I'm not that original!).  I love the people who are just good, salt-of-the-earth, God fearin' folks.  It's home and I have a connection there that runs deep.   
• My Horses:  There was a period, early in my divorce, that I honestly didn't know if I would ever ride again.  Those horses sitting in the barn got a lot of false blame put on them and I was resentful of that and they had become a burden to me.  But in time, I have to say, going out and throwing a leg over a horse is about the best therapy in the world.  And taking care of something other than yourself is good for the soul as well.  There have been times as I've ridden at night or in the quiet of the evening that I have heard God the clearest and you can't put a price tag on that.  If you aren't a horse person, you don't get it and I won't try to explain it.  Barrel racing and horses are a hobby now, they aren't my job, and I may never win a world championship, but it's not about the winning anymore (but I really do like to win...!) but it's about being a part of the game.  "Horse people" just get one another and there is a connection there and a bond that's pretty cool.  We've got the "fever" running through our veins and we just can't explain that to the city folk! 
• Country sunrises, sunsets, and starry nights:  For awhile, I thought I was going to move from Ponder.  But, God worked some things out and I got to stay.  And you know, in six years I have lived on that property, I never once realized the wonders of God's world that surrounds me there.  I mean, I've traveled around the world in search of beauty and relics and history...and then I realize I've been sitting on a gold mine all this time!  I love to watch the sun rise off my back porch as I do my quiet time and it amazes me how every day, every season, that view is different.  No two days are alike.  And there are some clear nights where every star in the sky is visible and I just sit outside and take it all in...God's magesty and canvas right there in Ponder, Tx.  How did I miss it before?  Simple...I was too busy and I wasn't looking.
• Small Groups: If you know me, you know I've never met a stranger.  But, I've learned that I really enjoy smaller groups of people or even one-on-one because I can really get to know someone and talk their heads off vs being pulled in ten different directions and not being able to focus on one person at a time.  I so enjoy going for coffee with a friend and just chatting for hours and catching up.  I like that connection, that undivided attention, and you just can't get that in a big room full of people.
• Being a Vet: I really like what I do, plain and simple.  I wake up and I look forward to it all.  I know God called me to this profession and I love the challenges each day brings.  It is never the same day-to-day and I feel very blessed to be in this profession.  I love owning my own business and I'm not ashamed of being a strong, independent woman. 

That's just a little glimpse into my life and what makes me tick...I think there is a part of us all that God has just hard-wired and it is part of our core and it doesn't need to be messed with!  I could be wrong, but for me, it's like trying to swim upstream.  I'm learning that there is nothing to be ashamed of in embracing your past and bringing it into your future.

Music affects me very deeply, as I know it does a lot of people, but one of the songs I relate with right now is sung by my Lindale homegirl, Miranda Lambert, called "The House that Built Me"...I mean it is a great song whether you are a fan of hers or not.  I put a link to the video below for you to listen to if you are so inclined.  Part of the lyrics say "Out here it's like I'm someone else...I thought maybe I could find myself...You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can...I got lost in this ole world and forgot who I am..."  Every time I hear that part, it is hard for me not to tear up because I see that I really did get lost in this big ole world trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be.  I was doing the best I could, but let's face it, our best is just never enough.  God's best for our lives is the mark we should be shooting for.  I missed that then and I see that God's plan for our lives really isn't that complex, in fact it is pretty simple.  We are the ones that muddy the waters and make it hard.    So for 2011, I'm embracing my roots, and the joy and "newness" I've found in this life with God's help and I'm looking forward to just being me.

Joy

http://www.cmt.com/videos/miranda-lambert/500805/the-house-that-built-me.jhtml

November Wrap Up and Thanksgiving Blessings!

Where has the time gone?  November is over after tomorrow and I've barely began to process all that has happened in this month!  This time of the year flies by so fast and it is easy to just put life on "cruise control" and hang on for the ride.  However, I want to take this moment to reflect back on what I'm thankful for and the blessings I've received in the past year.  I hope each of you will take the time to quiet your mind and do the same and not get too caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays.

• Family:  Those closest to you are the easiest to take for granted it seems, but I'm grateful for a family that rallied around me, supported me, loved on me and accepted me even when I was at my lowest and just couldn't see the forrest for the trees.  A family who never said I was crazy for believing in a miracle or never disputed the words God spoke to me, even if it did seem pretty nuts at times.  The same family who believed in me and believed in God and His plan for my life...they let me fall and get scraped up and learn the lessons I needed to learn but did not try to enable me, coddle me, or rescue me...but at the same time they were there, rock solid, at all times and I knew that.  To the father who drove nearly 150 miles, one way, taking off of work to sit with me in an attorney's office and try to help her make heads or tails of my emotional crisis and breakdown and collapse of my life and the fear and shock I was dealing with in a 1 1/2 hour meeting and then turned around and drove straight home; To the mother who drove 300+ miles at 5am from my sister's house to be with me and help me walk through the shock of a spouse walking out suddenly and who spent a few holidays with me, alone; To the sister who literally talked me off the cliff more than once when I just wanted to quit, give up, throw in the towel because the pain was just unbearable and who was my trusted confidant and sounding board at so many turns in the road; To the brother-in-law who gave me sound, business and financial advice and helped me negotiate in some tricky waters and was the voice of reason and practicality I needed to hear many times (and gave me clothing advice so I didn't look like a grandma! LOL)...to these people a thank you isn't enough.  I could write forever on things they did, breaking their backs for me, but instead I will just say...I love you.
• Friends:  I've written on this subject many times but let me just say, you separate the sheep from the goats as far as friends when you go through any type of struggle.  What doesn't break you makes you stronger and that goes for friendships as well.  I won't mention names but you know who you are...to those who took late night calls and went without sleep just to be a lifeline to me; to those who slapped on gloves and went to work CSI fashion in my home late at night (now that's a real friend let me just say); to those who took me out or had me over to their house and made me eat or bought me meals when I was too depressed to pick up a fork; to those who saved me a seat in church and put the word out so I wouldn't feel embarrassed being alone; to those who gave up their own precious family time to be with me; to those who prayed, who believed, who loved on me and encouraged me; to those who helped me when I was at different cross roads and who helped me walk in the spirit and not the flesh; to those who pulled me aside and constantly reaffirmed that our God is bigger than any struggle/pain/thorn in the side; to those who wrote my cards, emails and shared their story of heart ache to joy; to those who slept on my couch so I wouldn't have to be alone; to those who celebrated every victory, no matter how small; to those who just came by to give me a hug...to all you I say thank you and my life is richer and fuller because of each of you.  When you walk through fire with someone, a bond is formed that is not easily broken!  I cherish each one of you and I thank you for your prayers, for your encouragement and for accepting me just where I'm at at all times.  Thank you.
• Church Family:  I've heard some nightmare stories from women and men that have walked through the pains of a divorce, which is horrible enough, and then to find out that people in their own church family scorned them or turned up their noses at them.  How horrible, how devastating...and how un-Christ like.  I have to say that not ONE person at my church ever made me feel anything but loved and accepted, even when I was feeling pretty unlovable.  If they felt otherwise, I sure didn't hear it or pick up on it.  I'm so totally blessed to be a part of a church family that accepted me, wrapped their arms around me and spoke powerful words over me that God was most certainly in control of my life and He would use this pain for His glory one day.  They believed not just in me, but the power of our Heavenly Father and His providence and His plan for each of our lives.  They would not accept defeat, nor allow me to do so, and they just simply believed.  I can't tell you how huge that is to have someone stand in agreement with you!  And not only did they believe in me and pray for me...they prayed for Brad and they still do to this day, even though they have had no contact with him for over a year.  I hope he realizes one day the love that his church showed to him, even when he didn't want it nor ask for, and I hope one day those prayers are integral in bringing him back to a relationship with his Father.
• Krum Vet Peeps:  I just want to say that if our government needs any national secrets kept, my employees are up for the job because they are like Fort Knox...ain't no info coming out of their mouths!  I look back and am just amazed at how they rallied behind me, not knowing one detail, but supported me and did not gossip or speculate.  Just kept their heads down, and worked unbelievably hard and took as much pressure off me as they possibly could.  I am blessed to have each of them in my life.  I know there were days that I could NOT have been much fun to work with (heck I didn't even want to be with me!), but they took it in stride and protected me from the outside world.  They have no idea that some days, that all that kept me going was getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of another because I couldn't let them or my clients down.  Thank you guys for your loyalty and hard work and dedication.  You make my job that much better!
• Krum Vet Clients: I tell you, I have the best clients in the world.  Many had no clue what I was going through, just knew I was a bit "off" and not my bubbly self.  They didn't push, they didn't pry, but they were there and supportive and didn't leave in droves to go to another vet!  They were and are loyal and again, gave me something to focus on each day.  They were okay if I wasn't up to being chatty and they didn't get a chip on their shoulder.  If anything, they became more fierce in their loyalty to me!  It's not something I felt comfortable discussing, and I try to keep my private life out of my work anyways...but we are in a small town.  Word gets around (and some of what I heard was REALLY juicy but not true!) whether you want it to or not.  Thanks for respecting my privacy and for continuing to stay devoted to my vision here at KVH.
• My neighbors: Small town people are just the best, can I get a witness?!  To the neighbors who came over and did manual labor at my place, mowed my pastures, came out in the freezing temperatures to help me when my pipes busted and I had no water, had me over for dinner and prayer and laughter, and those who just kept a watchful eye on things when I couldn't be home...I really appreciate your support and help.  Being a single woman in the country can be tough, especially when it's the one year we get snowed in not once but TWICE!  But, my place looks better than ever and as they say...it takes a village!
• My life: I don't know how to better say it but I just am so thankful for my life and right where I'm at this very second.  I love my life plain and simple.  I love having horses to ride and time to get away with my thoughts; I love the beautiful sunrises that I get to see every day off my back porch that I somehow missed before; I love my pets that give me constant entertainment (and some days frustration but not too many days!); I love the stillness and quietness of where I live; I love my home that I've made into my very own; I love the fact that I've gotten back to my roots and rediscovered who I truly am, what I truly like to do, and can just be me again; I love to sit outside and just look at the open sky and reflect on what God is doing...I just love where I'm at mentally, physically and spiritually.  I don't know how else to say it...but life is good!  People often say "we just want you to be happy"...well happiness doesn't come from me or from you...it comes from above and I'm glad to say I AM HAPPY, but only because of HIM!
• My Heavenly Father: I saved the best for last...I'm just so thankful for a God that has loved me my whole life, who has waited patiently for me to come to Him with a fully submitted and devoted heart and spirit, and who has held my hand and even carried me every step of this journey.  I am so unworthy, I truly am.  I will never be able to 100% grasp the depth of His love for me, but I have just learned to accept it, embrace it and cherish it.  I learned He is all I really ever needed...and He had been there the whole time!  He has stretched me, changed me, refined me, sifted me and grown me in the past year and let me just say, it hurt...alot...but it has all been worth it.  I don't understand it all but I can already see His plan unfolding, just a tiny glimmer of it, and it's just so cool.  I'm so blessed to have a relationship with Him and I honestly don't know what I would have done without Him being the guiding force in my life.  The best thing I ever did was get on my knees so totally broken and give in to His plan for my life.  To let go, submit, give Him control and just admit not only do I not have it all figured out...I've made a complete mess of things and I give up trying to do it on my own...that journey has been so rewarding.  Thank you Lord for using me and showing me YOU have a plan...it's all for YOUR GLORY!

There's so, so, so much more I could write but that's a start...I'm so humbled at the abundance I have in my life and I thank God that He's blessed me over and over again, even though I really don't deserve it.  I just hope in this next year, I can be the blessing to someone else.  Count your blessings this day and don't get lost in the commercial-ness of this time of the year...remember He truly is the reason for the season!

A heart full of thanks,

JOY

Seek His Presence...and He will be found!

A few months ago, I wrote about my upcoming "assignment solitude" retreat, which just turned out to be on the one year anniversary of my marriage literally being over, now that I look back on things.  Funny how God's timing is just like that...and after last week, I knew the specific weekend that I picked had been divinely planned.  Anyways, I went out on my own little sabbatical this past weekend seeking solitude and God's presence.  As life will have it, Friday was just an insane day for me and part of me just wanted to stay home and not go anywhere.  I'm so glad I fought against that and I sought out on my own little soul searching weekend.

In two full days of quiet, solitude, being along with God in His creation, not seeing or talking to another person and just basically becoming very quiet, I can tell you that I felt God's presence like never before for that long of a time frame.  I took some very big decisions with me on the drive up, and I had very real clarity and answers on the drive home.  God gave me a specific course, not necessarily a timeline, but I have a step wise plan.  He kept sending me back to His Word to back it up...so it wasn't a fluke.  Even I could read it there in black and white.  I see there are some very big mountains that will need to be moved for everything to line up, but I know that God will moving them...He already has started the process.  I could write for days upon days about all the revelations I received and the healing that occurred, but I don't think words could do it justice.  Words truly can't describe the experience so I'm not going to even try.  But, I will say that God impressed upon me in big ways that the life I have right now is good and no one can deny that, not even me...but the one He is calling me to will be better and truly His best for my life.  I'm going to have to let go of something good to get something better in other words.  That's so exciting but there is some fear in there, too.  I'm going to have to take some giant leaps of faith and get out of my comfort zone...but that's what I call being stretched by God and that's where true growth occurs.  That's my heart's desire...to grow closer to the Lord every day and just be a servant for what He calls me to do...but it doesn't mean it is an easy process.

This weekend, I looked back over the last year of pain and trials and I just see God's hand all over it.  There were some terrible things I had to walk through and uncover, but I'm glad I did because there was light shed on some areas of darkness in my life that needed to be brought to light.  I would not want to be living the lie I was then.  No way, no how.  Because of where I'm standing now, and the changes in my life, I embrace the past year and the pain.  It's made me who I am, and I don't have to be ashamed of that!  My life today is fuller, richer, and more complete that it has ever been because of my walk with God.  Sure, there are things I miss, but I know God knows the desires of my heart and He will bring everything full circle in His timing.  I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm right where God wants me to be and that's a very good feeling. 

As I went to turn my key in on Sunday afternoon, I met the owner of the ranch where I was staying...I had a brief conversation with her when I booked the room a few months back, and other than knowing I was single, she didn't know much about me at all.  When I handed her my key, she gave me a big hug and said "I want you to know that I've been praying for you all weekend as I looked in the direction of your cabin and I asked God to show you what you came here to figure out."  To say my jaw dropped, would be a gross understatement.  I was floored and I teared up and told her that for sure, He did speak to me and I appreciated her prayers more than she would ever know.  As I got in my truck and drove out of there, I was just so humbled that God continues to put folks in my life, some I don't even know, who have interceded on my behalf and been so faithful to me and to God.  So, for all of you who have prayed for me, some that I know and some that I don't know, I want you to know that I have felt your prayers and I just feel so blessed that each of you have been there doing battle behind the scenes for me.  And I want you to know that because of that and God's infinite grace and mercy, I'm gonna be all right...the best is yet to come!

JOY