It's been a week since I've blogged but I wanted to be sure and not leave anyone hanging on this topic! I promised three parts, so three parts I will deliver! Thank you for all the positive feedback on this subject matter...it really has warmed my heart to get messages from many of you in all walks of life...single, divorced, dating, young and old (like me!). The fact that Part 1 and Part 2 are in my top 5 blogs viewed of all time speaks volumes to me. I'm glad I got out of my comfort zone and I wrote them now! So, bottom line...thank you!
One of the things that God has revealed to me this time around dating deals with control. In the past, I see that in any type of relationship, particularly a dating relationship, I kept all the control and I pushed my own agenda forward in pretty much every situation. I ignored every red flag and burning bush the Lord might have thrown my way; I ignored friends and family who loved me and tried to speak words of caution into my life; and I did not seek God's will for my life or the relationship. Looking back, I see God put a lot of checks into my Spirit...I just flat did not listen. Like an obstinate child, I really, truly believed I knew best. How prideful and how stubborn was THAT?!
If you are going to start a dating relationship and keep God first, you need to be really seeking God's will every second of the day and give HIM the control! I have specifically asked God to close certain doors (He hasn't) and open others (He has) and make the paths straight and clear even for a slow learner such as me; I've asked friends that I walk with in accountability to pray for the situation AND to speak words of truth and caution into my life when need be (they do, they have and I have listened!); and I've asked the Holy Spirit to guide me and keep me very sensitive to any checks in my Spirit along the way. Another very important question to ask: is the person you are dating doing the same?! Because if they are not...that's a HUGE red flag in itself!!! Dating is a test, plain and simple but it's not a requirement. You don't HAVE to date anyone! Question yourself and be real with the answers: Do you like what you see in that person at all stages? How are they when things don't go their way? Does their walk line up with their talk or is it lacking? And bottom line...is the Lord giving you peace about it all? If He's not, better think twice. Be alert, be self-controlled and be cautious who you give your heart away to and let the Lord be your guide at all times!
I talked about this in Part 2 but I think being friends first and foremost is so very important! Too often we rush into a relationship and get all "serious" without really getting to know the person on a deeper level. For me this time around, a deepened friendship developed over nearly a six month period until we both could honestly say we were each other's best friends. It was like the Lord was allowing a foundation to be built one brick at a time in the proper order and He kept things from getting out of order. It was slow, but steady progress and I wouldn't change a thing because now, as it has deepened into a dating relationship, I know this person inside and out from MONTHS of talking and sharing and I have no doubts about who he is and where he stands with God. God knows just what we need and how we need it and I believe being friends and not skipping over that step is imperative. That's how trust is built, but too often we speed by it in pushing our own agenda. AND if you start slow and build a friendship first, you may just be able to see that person isn't the "one for you" early on and save yourself some heart ache down the road! Once again, allowing God to control each step, is essential. He's sees the bigger picture that is just not visible to us quite yet!
In ending this series, let me just say that when you keep God central in your life in every way, including dating, the results are nothing short of amazing. I have NEVER dated this way in the past and I'm constantly blown away by what God is doing and how awesome things can be already at this stage. I had it so wrong in the past and honestly, was just short-changing myself all along. What God wants for us is so much better than what our tiny little brains can envision!!! I've gotten a glimpse into what can happen when you empty YOUR hands of control and put it all in GOD'S hands...and it is incredible that God truly can and will do more than you ask or imagine. Take it from me, it is well worth the wait to do it the right way, God's way...He will reward that obedience if you wait on Him, trust in Him and believe He will do exactly what He says He will, but only when the time is right.
Aren't second chances awesome? Thank God for His Grace!
JOY
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Divorced and Dating, Part 2
Wading out into the waters of dating again after a hiatus can be scary, but if you go about it in the right way, it can be quite wonderful, too! I think you need to really listen to God and analyze WHY you are dating or wanting to date someone? And I think you need to pray...A LOT..to empty your hands of the control and let God do what He does best. Depending on how you go about it, dating can be a distraction or a blessing. Your heart and how you let God move in the situation makes the difference in which way things will progress.
After you are divorced, everyone wants to give you advice, set you up with their friend, or just get you out of the house. They think you are lonely and they want you to be "happy" so of course dating is the answer to that problem, right? Sounds logical to me! I will have to say, I get a whole lot of bad advice that I discard, but many more give me Godly advice that really makes a lot of sense. I wish I had been mature enough to receive it ten years ago. So today, I want to share the Top Ten helpful dating suggestions...in no particular order of course!
Just my 2 cents...anyone else have any advice they want to share?
JOY
After you are divorced, everyone wants to give you advice, set you up with their friend, or just get you out of the house. They think you are lonely and they want you to be "happy" so of course dating is the answer to that problem, right? Sounds logical to me! I will have to say, I get a whole lot of bad advice that I discard, but many more give me Godly advice that really makes a lot of sense. I wish I had been mature enough to receive it ten years ago. So today, I want to share the Top Ten helpful dating suggestions...in no particular order of course!
- Let God pick your dates/future mate...He will direct you to the right person in His timing when you are ready.
- Be sure this person becomes a friend...and I mean a best friend...and develop that friendship way before any relationship blooms. Take it slow! Get to know one another! Spend a LOT of time talking and knowing one another on a heart level first.
- You will attract someone right where you are at (think about that one for a second!)...so be sure you are dating out of the right frame of mind and heart and that you are "at" the right place with God.
- Anyone that slows you down or gets you off course spiritually is dangerous...CUT AND RUN! They should build you up in the Lord and be running the same race with you or encourage you forward, never backwards.
- Put God central in any relationship and never put any relationship as an idol before Him. He is your source for happiness...keep it that way.
- Purity is of utmost importance always, but particularly for those of us who have experienced infidelity and adultery. If you can't stay pure in a dating relationship, how will you be able to trust that person in the future and know they have self control if the relationship goes the distance to marriage?
- If there are any "red flags" or checks in your spirit about the other person, there's your answer. Don't hang around or convince yourself they will change. Dating is NOT marriage! You can stop seeing them NOW before things get more advanced and it becomes more difficult to untangle yourself emotionally from the relationship. Wait for God's best for your life and do not let the enemy tempt you with any less.
- Be yourself, be genuine, give the other person hard tests to see their true motives, and see if you both still like what you see!
- The couple that prays together, stays together.
- After a year of dating the same person, if you honestly can't say that this person is "THE ONE" God has picked for you to marry and you still don't have peace about that, then you should really analyze the relationship and make some tough decisions. (Not saying you should marry at this point by any means, but you should have some inkling of God's direction for the relationship by this point).
Just my 2 cents...anyone else have any advice they want to share?
JOY
Friday, April 22, 2011
Divorced and Dating, Part 1
This is a topic I've been wanting to write about for quite some time now, and I have a LOT to say about it. Until now, I really haven't felt led to share some of what I've learned and am learning, but it's been on my heart recently. I'm no expert on the subject at hand (disclaimer!) but I want to share some of my experiences to those of you who are in my shoes in hopes that something I write might just help give you clarity to your situation. This is going to be a three part series, so keep checking back if you are interested!
For me, after my divorce, I just was not interested in dating. I do believe that was a God thing! So many people run to another person and start dating right away in order to ease the burn of rejection and to feel accepted, but they do it before real healing has occurred. I think that is very dangerous and can be a ticking time bomb if one is not careful. My focus post-divorce was to make sure I processed all God had revealed to me and allow myself time to heal and to serve Him in the process. A "messed up" me would not have been good for anyone. I was very unsure at that time if I was ever to date, much less remarry again to be honest. I had the mentality of "done that once, screwed it up, that ship has sailed". And to be perfectly up front, I didn't have any desire to date. How would I trust someone? How would I ever find anyone that would measure up with my HIGH standards and be able to get past my insecurities? My honest-to-goodness prayer last fall was "God you know I'm happy by myself but if you want someone in my life, YOU will have to drop them on my doorstep because I'm not going to go look for him. No way, no how! You can move the mountains, but if you don't, I'm cool with that, too!". I had been released from my marriage (check out the The Final Chapter for that story) and I felt a sense of relief and gratitude...I didn't want to muddy the waters with dating!
Let me just say that dating in your mid 30s, post-divorce is WAY different than in your 20s! I no longer was interested in going out to have a free dinner and a fun date! I craved something deeper and more meaningful and I was only interested in a Godly man that had Christ central in his life...but I assure you, I felt the person I desired just possibly could not exist. I have looked back over a lot of things, and I realize that what I looked for in a husband in my 20s was very superficial. The only requirement I wanted in the spiritual sense was..."are they a Christian and do they attend church? CHECK!" That was enough...but now, at this age and after my life experiences, that wasn't going to cut it for me. I guess that's the definition of the saying, "older and wiser".
One of the many dear friends who has mentored me through this season of life is remarried to a wonderful, Godly man. As a couple, they just really gave me hope and inspired me that maybe, just maybe, things could be different the second time around. This friend gave me some wonderful advice last fall and I took it to heart. She recommended I make a list of what my heart's desires were in someone to date and ultimately a future mate. After making that list, she recommended I pray over it daily. Not that God needs any help picking someone out for me, but I think it was a good exercise in reminding me what I truly was looking for in a man and to not settle for less than God's best for me. And let me just say, this list turned out to be exhaustive and long (I don't do anything half way!). Some things were very superficial, some items were just about likes/dislikes and other things were very deep and spiritual and relational (which to me is the most important but hey, if you are asking for the moon, why not include it all?!). For the record, I would advise anyone doing this to be very cautious about not making a list that is just the "anti-ex" list! Truly pray over it and be honest with yourself and God and take your time with the whole process.
For me, this exercise helped give me clarity and it focused me. I know it might sound elitist, but for me, that wasn't my heart at all. It gave me hope that God was hearing my heart's desires and He knew where that person was and HE would bring him around when the time was right. And for me, it was going to take THAT person to get me off my couch as I was very happy with the life I had! But the peace I had about it all was the fact that I didn't have to make it happen. God would if and when He was ready and when He thought I was ready! And you know what? Turned out I didn't do a thing...I'm a private person so I won't go in to details, but God did drop someone on my figurative door step and in all honesty, it really freaked me out when I started seeing that he matched up to "the list" I had made months before he even entered my life. I really thought I would be blessed if someone with 50% of the qualities on that list showed up...I know God can do anything He wants, but I thought it was asking too much to hope for the WHOLE LIST.
Turns out, it wasn't too much to ask...how awesome is that? What a God of details we serve! That person most certainly does exist and every fear I had to keep me from dating...well God knew exactly how to remedy all those doubts and show me He was in control of the situation.
So for all you singles out there, make your own list. Be intentional and very specific. Pray over it and believe in God's abilities to bring beauty out of the ashes of your past mistakes and hurts. And when you are ready, He will move those mountains. And trust me, it will be a thing of joy and worth the wait!
JOY
For me, after my divorce, I just was not interested in dating. I do believe that was a God thing! So many people run to another person and start dating right away in order to ease the burn of rejection and to feel accepted, but they do it before real healing has occurred. I think that is very dangerous and can be a ticking time bomb if one is not careful. My focus post-divorce was to make sure I processed all God had revealed to me and allow myself time to heal and to serve Him in the process. A "messed up" me would not have been good for anyone. I was very unsure at that time if I was ever to date, much less remarry again to be honest. I had the mentality of "done that once, screwed it up, that ship has sailed". And to be perfectly up front, I didn't have any desire to date. How would I trust someone? How would I ever find anyone that would measure up with my HIGH standards and be able to get past my insecurities? My honest-to-goodness prayer last fall was "God you know I'm happy by myself but if you want someone in my life, YOU will have to drop them on my doorstep because I'm not going to go look for him. No way, no how! You can move the mountains, but if you don't, I'm cool with that, too!". I had been released from my marriage (check out the The Final Chapter for that story) and I felt a sense of relief and gratitude...I didn't want to muddy the waters with dating!
Let me just say that dating in your mid 30s, post-divorce is WAY different than in your 20s! I no longer was interested in going out to have a free dinner and a fun date! I craved something deeper and more meaningful and I was only interested in a Godly man that had Christ central in his life...but I assure you, I felt the person I desired just possibly could not exist. I have looked back over a lot of things, and I realize that what I looked for in a husband in my 20s was very superficial. The only requirement I wanted in the spiritual sense was..."are they a Christian and do they attend church? CHECK!" That was enough...but now, at this age and after my life experiences, that wasn't going to cut it for me. I guess that's the definition of the saying, "older and wiser".
One of the many dear friends who has mentored me through this season of life is remarried to a wonderful, Godly man. As a couple, they just really gave me hope and inspired me that maybe, just maybe, things could be different the second time around. This friend gave me some wonderful advice last fall and I took it to heart. She recommended I make a list of what my heart's desires were in someone to date and ultimately a future mate. After making that list, she recommended I pray over it daily. Not that God needs any help picking someone out for me, but I think it was a good exercise in reminding me what I truly was looking for in a man and to not settle for less than God's best for me. And let me just say, this list turned out to be exhaustive and long (I don't do anything half way!). Some things were very superficial, some items were just about likes/dislikes and other things were very deep and spiritual and relational (which to me is the most important but hey, if you are asking for the moon, why not include it all?!). For the record, I would advise anyone doing this to be very cautious about not making a list that is just the "anti-ex" list! Truly pray over it and be honest with yourself and God and take your time with the whole process.
For me, this exercise helped give me clarity and it focused me. I know it might sound elitist, but for me, that wasn't my heart at all. It gave me hope that God was hearing my heart's desires and He knew where that person was and HE would bring him around when the time was right. And for me, it was going to take THAT person to get me off my couch as I was very happy with the life I had! But the peace I had about it all was the fact that I didn't have to make it happen. God would if and when He was ready and when He thought I was ready! And you know what? Turned out I didn't do a thing...I'm a private person so I won't go in to details, but God did drop someone on my figurative door step and in all honesty, it really freaked me out when I started seeing that he matched up to "the list" I had made months before he even entered my life. I really thought I would be blessed if someone with 50% of the qualities on that list showed up...I know God can do anything He wants, but I thought it was asking too much to hope for the WHOLE LIST.
Turns out, it wasn't too much to ask...how awesome is that? What a God of details we serve! That person most certainly does exist and every fear I had to keep me from dating...well God knew exactly how to remedy all those doubts and show me He was in control of the situation.
So for all you singles out there, make your own list. Be intentional and very specific. Pray over it and believe in God's abilities to bring beauty out of the ashes of your past mistakes and hurts. And when you are ready, He will move those mountains. And trust me, it will be a thing of joy and worth the wait!
JOY
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Sweetness of Second Chances
John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I write frequently about being amazed by God, but nothing amazes me as of late more than the second chances He gives His children, whom He obviously so loves. There are so many negatives in this world, and boy, do we often make such a bigger mess of our lives by taking control of any given situation and just muddying the waters. But at the end of the day, God continues to give us chance after chance to walk with Him and be in relationship with Him. Some of us are on our tenth chance or so...but He's still there, pursuing, waiting and loving us until we finally get it right.
One of the things that I just can't fathom is how God wipes the past away and truly can make all things new. See, a little over a year ago, I just couldn't see the forest for the trees. I couldn't understand how the hurt would ever go away. I felt life as I had known it was over. And you know what? That life was over...but not in the way I thought! That old life was gone, destroyed, broken...never to be repaired. But what happened next, was truly something that I couldn't have dreamed up. Out of the dust and grime of a failed marriage blossomed a new creation...a new me. And I have to admit, I like this "new me" a lot better than the "old me". I cannot tell you how many people come up to me and tell me they can just see the joy radiating out of me and that it is all over my face...that my mother and father named me perfectly. What a compliment and a testament of what the Lord has done in my life...and for sure, no one said that in years past I can guarantee. It's taken me 35 years to live up to my name in a lot of ways. And that's because I was living for me in the past...I wasn't living for the Lord. That selfishness was squelching His joy and light in my life. Now, it's His joy, His love, His grace that pours out of me (well most days I hope!). Don't get me wrong...I still make a mess of things when I start trying to pick up an issue and try to control it or I start walking in the flesh. But, now, I'm very sensitive to the Holy Spirit's guidance and direction in my life and that makes a huge difference in how I walk out my faith and daily life.
I can honestly say, that the past is the past. I don't think about it every day. Sure, I'm sorry it happened. But I don't waste time dwelling on it or analyzing it. Right now, I have so many things in my life that are just so exciting and brand new and full of hope. God has brought me a new hope, a new future, and a different way to look at and do life with Him. I have no clue how He does it, but He's wiped the slate clean. There's no comparisons, there's no doubts, there's no part of my heart that He hasn't healed and transformed. A do over of sorts. It truly is like the first time everytime I do something...and it's amazing, wonderful, right and NEW.
No matter what your situation, there is always hope. Don't believe the lie that you don't deserve a second chance in this world because of past mistakes. Hang on to God and let Him do the redemptive work in your life He's been trying to do all along. Sit back, hang on, and be amazed at the ride He will take you on.
Second Chances ROCK!
JOY
Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I write frequently about being amazed by God, but nothing amazes me as of late more than the second chances He gives His children, whom He obviously so loves. There are so many negatives in this world, and boy, do we often make such a bigger mess of our lives by taking control of any given situation and just muddying the waters. But at the end of the day, God continues to give us chance after chance to walk with Him and be in relationship with Him. Some of us are on our tenth chance or so...but He's still there, pursuing, waiting and loving us until we finally get it right.
One of the things that I just can't fathom is how God wipes the past away and truly can make all things new. See, a little over a year ago, I just couldn't see the forest for the trees. I couldn't understand how the hurt would ever go away. I felt life as I had known it was over. And you know what? That life was over...but not in the way I thought! That old life was gone, destroyed, broken...never to be repaired. But what happened next, was truly something that I couldn't have dreamed up. Out of the dust and grime of a failed marriage blossomed a new creation...a new me. And I have to admit, I like this "new me" a lot better than the "old me". I cannot tell you how many people come up to me and tell me they can just see the joy radiating out of me and that it is all over my face...that my mother and father named me perfectly. What a compliment and a testament of what the Lord has done in my life...and for sure, no one said that in years past I can guarantee. It's taken me 35 years to live up to my name in a lot of ways. And that's because I was living for me in the past...I wasn't living for the Lord. That selfishness was squelching His joy and light in my life. Now, it's His joy, His love, His grace that pours out of me (well most days I hope!). Don't get me wrong...I still make a mess of things when I start trying to pick up an issue and try to control it or I start walking in the flesh. But, now, I'm very sensitive to the Holy Spirit's guidance and direction in my life and that makes a huge difference in how I walk out my faith and daily life.
I can honestly say, that the past is the past. I don't think about it every day. Sure, I'm sorry it happened. But I don't waste time dwelling on it or analyzing it. Right now, I have so many things in my life that are just so exciting and brand new and full of hope. God has brought me a new hope, a new future, and a different way to look at and do life with Him. I have no clue how He does it, but He's wiped the slate clean. There's no comparisons, there's no doubts, there's no part of my heart that He hasn't healed and transformed. A do over of sorts. It truly is like the first time everytime I do something...and it's amazing, wonderful, right and NEW.
No matter what your situation, there is always hope. Don't believe the lie that you don't deserve a second chance in this world because of past mistakes. Hang on to God and let Him do the redemptive work in your life He's been trying to do all along. Sit back, hang on, and be amazed at the ride He will take you on.
Second Chances ROCK!
JOY
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