This is a topic I've been wanting to write about for quite some time now, and I have a LOT to say about it. Until now, I really haven't felt led to share some of what I've learned and am learning, but it's been on my heart recently. I'm no expert on the subject at hand (disclaimer!) but I want to share some of my experiences to those of you who are in my shoes in hopes that something I write might just help give you clarity to your situation. This is going to be a three part series, so keep checking back if you are interested!
For me, after my divorce, I just was not interested in dating. I do believe that was a God thing! So many people run to another person and start dating right away in order to ease the burn of rejection and to feel accepted, but they do it before real healing has occurred. I think that is very dangerous and can be a ticking time bomb if one is not careful. My focus post-divorce was to make sure I processed all God had revealed to me and allow myself time to heal and to serve Him in the process. A "messed up" me would not have been good for anyone. I was very unsure at that time if I was ever to date, much less remarry again to be honest. I had the mentality of "done that once, screwed it up, that ship has sailed". And to be perfectly up front, I didn't have any desire to date. How would I trust someone? How would I ever find anyone that would measure up with my HIGH standards and be able to get past my insecurities? My honest-to-goodness prayer last fall was "God you know I'm happy by myself but if you want someone in my life, YOU will have to drop them on my doorstep because I'm not going to go look for him. No way, no how! You can move the mountains, but if you don't, I'm cool with that, too!". I had been released from my marriage (check out the The Final Chapter for that story) and I felt a sense of relief and gratitude...I didn't want to muddy the waters with dating!
Let me just say that dating in your mid 30s, post-divorce is WAY different than in your 20s! I no longer was interested in going out to have a free dinner and a fun date! I craved something deeper and more meaningful and I was only interested in a Godly man that had Christ central in his life...but I assure you, I felt the person I desired just possibly could not exist. I have looked back over a lot of things, and I realize that what I looked for in a husband in my 20s was very superficial. The only requirement I wanted in the spiritual sense was..."are they a Christian and do they attend church? CHECK!" That was enough...but now, at this age and after my life experiences, that wasn't going to cut it for me. I guess that's the definition of the saying, "older and wiser".
One of the many dear friends who has mentored me through this season of life is remarried to a wonderful, Godly man. As a couple, they just really gave me hope and inspired me that maybe, just maybe, things could be different the second time around. This friend gave me some wonderful advice last fall and I took it to heart. She recommended I make a list of what my heart's desires were in someone to date and ultimately a future mate. After making that list, she recommended I pray over it daily. Not that God needs any help picking someone out for me, but I think it was a good exercise in reminding me what I truly was looking for in a man and to not settle for less than God's best for me. And let me just say, this list turned out to be exhaustive and long (I don't do anything half way!). Some things were very superficial, some items were just about likes/dislikes and other things were very deep and spiritual and relational (which to me is the most important but hey, if you are asking for the moon, why not include it all?!). For the record, I would advise anyone doing this to be very cautious about not making a list that is just the "anti-ex" list! Truly pray over it and be honest with yourself and God and take your time with the whole process.
For me, this exercise helped give me clarity and it focused me. I know it might sound elitist, but for me, that wasn't my heart at all. It gave me hope that God was hearing my heart's desires and He knew where that person was and HE would bring him around when the time was right. And for me, it was going to take THAT person to get me off my couch as I was very happy with the life I had! But the peace I had about it all was the fact that I didn't have to make it happen. God would if and when He was ready and when He thought I was ready! And you know what? Turned out I didn't do a thing...I'm a private person so I won't go in to details, but God did drop someone on my figurative door step and in all honesty, it really freaked me out when I started seeing that he matched up to "the list" I had made months before he even entered my life. I really thought I would be blessed if someone with 50% of the qualities on that list showed up...I know God can do anything He wants, but I thought it was asking too much to hope for the WHOLE LIST.
Turns out, it wasn't too much to ask...how awesome is that? What a God of details we serve! That person most certainly does exist and every fear I had to keep me from dating...well God knew exactly how to remedy all those doubts and show me He was in control of the situation.
So for all you singles out there, make your own list. Be intentional and very specific. Pray over it and believe in God's abilities to bring beauty out of the ashes of your past mistakes and hurts. And when you are ready, He will move those mountains. And trust me, it will be a thing of joy and worth the wait!
JOY
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