As I sit here typing this blog, I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of our son, who is due to come into this world in less than a week (wishfully hoping sooner!). In the waiting, I have been reflecting on the amazing journey God has taken me on in the past year, and I now feel it is the right time to share the journey with others. Part of why I haven't shared it yet is it is painful to relive some of the hurts that have occurred in the past year. I have learned that sharing my journey often helps someone else cope with theirs, and it is for this reason I open our story to others. (This will be a two part blog because there's just too much to put into one post)
Most people who know me are aware that I have never had any children of my own. I have an amazing step-son who is graduating from high school in June, so I have had the privilege of being a part of his life for the last few years, but I have never had to worry with late night feedings and diaper changes! When I went through my divorce, I was 34 years old. I had previously said I needed to make up my mind about having a child by the time I was 35, but little did I know, I would be very single at 35 years of age! That wasn't part of my plan of course, and God had never laid that desire on my heart that I should pursue being a mom in my first marriage. I never understood why but I was not the kind to just forge ahead because "that's what you do". Life and a career kept me busy and I always held it out there as one of those things I could do later in life if the desire hit me. Over time, I've come to realize that it was a very real protection plan God worked out for me behind the scenes, and I am so very grateful that for some reason, I listened and didn't try to make a family "just because everyone's doing it". Rumors abounded for years that I didn't like kids, I didn't want a family, or I was too cold and just not the "mom type" but a career woman instead. I guess that's how you get labeled when you are career-oriented and childless in your mid 30's. It never was my heart's desire and so I never pushed the issue. Even after I was divorced, I was fine with being single with no kids, and I figured that ship had sailed for me. I mean, what are the odds I would meet someone, have the trust and courage to get remarried and have a child by the time I was 40? Those odds would be pretty dim by Vegas standards! During my time as a single woman, God impressed upon me that I would marry and I would have a family in the future so I knew it wasn't impossible, but I also didn't sit around waiting for it to happen either. I was open to the idea but I wasn't hanging all my hopes and dreams on it by any means!
Fast forward to when Rex and I began to seriously date...one of the first things he shared with me was that he had a vasectomy when he was in his late 20's (no that's not an awkward thing to bring up at all in a new dating relationship!). He knew I didn't have children and he knew that might be a deal breaker for me if this relationship was to go any farther. I respected his honesty, but obviously, it didn't bother me too bad! To me, I just felt like if God's promises were true, then He would move any mountains that needed to be moved at the right time. I also considered that by having Rex and a step-son as part of a ready made family, maybe that was what God intended as far as His promises to me (don't you just love how you can reason and try to make God's impossible ideas make sense in your head and rationalize them?!) I had already wrapped my mind around not having children, so it wasn't a major concern to me. But then...as only God can do, the relationship got deeper and more serious and we became engaged and then married. Now, having a child with Rex was all I could think about! Of course we talked about it and prayed about it and we both got excited about the possibility, but we knew there would be a steep, uphill road ahead of us. To Rex's credit, from day one, he was the one very willing to have a reversal surgery performed to make this happen. That's a big sacrifice if you ask me! We didn't want to rush into having a child immediately and we wanted to enjoy being married, but at the same time, there was a very loud biological clock ticking away!
We finally consulted a doctor when we felt the time was right, and it was a total disaster. Neither of us realized that his procedure had been done 13 years prior and the odds for a successful surgery diminish with each passing year...especially after 10 years! As we sat in that doctor's office and he told us this news as gently as he could, he turned to me and asked me if I had any children, to which I replied no. He just looked at me in a very pitiful and pathetic way and told me that the odds were less than 20% that even with a reversal, we could conceive a child. What a blow to our hopes and dreams. Being a veterinarian, I understand science and statistics and have a very analytical mind. I knew this was about the worst news we could receive. In that moment, I was really broken and I felt very deceived by God. Why would he put such a strong desire in both our hearts just to let us down? I felt like that was very cruel after all we had both been through. I bought into every lie the enemy threw my way, hook, line and sinker. It was a very depressing and difficult time for me, and of course Rex felt terrible. He's very much a non-selfish provider, so someone telling him he can't do the one thing his wife desperately wants was a blow to him as well. I wrestled and struggled with the issue for awhile, and thankfully many people told us to get a second opinion so we never did schedule the surgery.
A few months went by and I had an appointment with my doctor and discussed the issue with him. He recommended going to a specialist in Frisco who dealt with only reversals. I left his office with a little glimmer of hope. About 6 months after the first consult, we nervously consulted with the new doctor. He was so encouraging and his stats were WAY better than the first doctor. This was all he did and he had literally down several thousand (including ones other doctors had botched), so he had the data to back up his numbers. On his website, he had pictures of 60+ year old men (who had reversals 20+ years ago) with new "younger" wives holding newborn babies...I figured if he could do it for them, then we were an easy case! We scheduled the surgery and with a lot of prayer, hope and anticipation, the day finally arrived. To say Rex was nervous is an understatement, but I give him a lot of credit that he never wanted to back out. It was a very delicate, 3 hour surgery but it appeared to be successful and once again, the doctor gave us an infusion of hope. The doctor cautioned us that it could still take 6-12 months before we could conceive but he felt positive that it would happen for us. We were elated (well Rex was after he was all healed up)! The next 4 months were up and down because at some of the rechecks, we did not receive good news. That was discouraging and easy for me to slip back into the depression mode. I prayed lots of prayers during this time and reminded God of His promises to us! It was a tough year for us as a couple, but it did grow us much closer going through the adversity together. You realize how badly you want something when someone tells you it might not happen!
About 4 months after the surgery, we were out of town on a trip and I started feeling sick. I didn't think much of it at first until on the first night, I woke up, sat straight up in the bed in the middle of the night thinking "I'm pregnant". I didn't sleep a wink wondering if this was what it would feel like to be pregnant? I consulted Dr. Google and I had most of the signs and symptoms of an early pregnancy. I didn't say anything to Rex for another day not wanting to jinx things but finally, I 'fessed up my suspicions. We both thought the timing wasn't even possible, but we were just curious enough to stop at Walgreen's and go buy a pregnancy test! I took the test in their bathroom and came back to the car and as we drove, two lines popped up meaning "YES YOU ARE PREGNANT!" Rex almost ran off the road when I showed him the test! We were so excited and elated and just in shock! Even the doctor didn't predict this could happen so soon! Rex made me take about 10 more tests over the next few days and yep, they were all positive. I finally scheduled an appointment with the doctor and he confirmed it as well. The first time we saw the ultrasound and the heartbeat, we felt like we had won a major victory! All babies are miracles, but ours was a miracle against so many odds! Since I had nothing to compare to in my past, I didn't know if this felt like a normal pregnancy or not, but I did have a little check in my excitement compared to Rex. He was on cloud nine and I was a bit more reserved, not wanting to tell people quite yet. We waited till I was about 9 weeks along and then told our families and some close friends. Most didn't even know Rex had the surgery, so they were really shocked!
However, the next week I started having some minor complications. I went to the doctor, very worried, but he did an ultrasound and said everything was fine and at this point, less than 1% end in miscarriage. I went home feeling better. Within two days, I ended up in the emergency room hemorrhaging profusely and I lost the baby. As I sat there and stared at this tiny 10 &1/2 week old life, I was more devastated than I ever had been before. I can't even type these words without grieving and crying and it's been over a year now. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally that I was a zombie. I remember that ride home from the hospital feeling so empty, so defeated and just so drained. It literally felt like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. Rex was grieving as well, but he was more worried about my emotional state than anything else. So many people go through miscarriages at many stages of pregnancy, some much farther along than I was, and I know it is always a horrific experience. But this one felt even worse (because it was happening to me!) because of all the hurdles and ups and downs we had been through to just get to this point. There were so many people praying for us during this time of loss, and I know now that's why we were supposed to tell people our news in the first place. If we had to go through that loss without the faithful prayers of others, we would have been so much worse off. It was a season where at times, praying a solid prayer for yourself was very difficult. We felt the love and support of faithful believers and we are so grateful for each person that lifted us up in prayer.
When I was going through my divorce, I never once got angry at God. I may have questioned and wondered why, but I never turned my back or blamed Him. But this time, I was mad. I could not understand why God would set us both up for such a devastating blow. He knew how delicate we were and how tough this had been on us...it just didn't seem fair! The one thing that got me through was our faith that God just knows best. Period. He had protected us and sheltered us and brought us so far, so we couldn't believe any lies that He would let us down intentionally now. It was a sheer test of faith and we both clung to our faith that God was in control. We now at least knew that we could conceive, so there was one positive to the situation! We had to press onwards and not be afraid to try again.
As only God can orchestrate, the day we drove home from the doctor's office with him confirming that yes, we had miscarried, was the same exact day they started framing up our new home. We drove to the construction site, and even though I was very numb emotionally, it was a great distraction. The next 4 months were a whirl wind of activity with the construction process and making decisions on everything from paint to toilets! It kept us both busy and meanwhile, allowed healing to occur. Once again, we pulled through a tough time together and our marriage was stronger for it. Every marriage goes through it's rocky times, and it was very soothing to my soul to know that my husband was there for me in not just the good times, but in the very dark days as well. I know God used this time to renew our strength and souls for the next step of our journey.
Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of he earth. He will NOT grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.
Part 2 is much happier I promise...!
JOY
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