Divorced and Dating, Part 2

Wading out into the waters of dating again after a hiatus can be scary, but if you go about it in the right way, it can be quite wonderful, too!  I think you need to really listen to God and analyze WHY you are dating or wanting to date someone?  And I think you need to pray...A LOT..to empty your hands of the control and let God do what He does best.  Depending on how you go about it, dating can be a distraction or a blessing.  Your heart and how you let God move in the situation makes the difference in which way things will progress.

After you are divorced, everyone wants to give you advice, set you up with their friend, or just get you out of the house.  They think you are lonely and they want you to be "happy" so of course dating is the answer to that problem, right?  Sounds logical to me!  I will have to say, I get a whole lot of bad advice that I discard, but many more give me Godly advice that really makes a lot of sense.  I wish I had been mature enough to receive it ten years ago.  So today, I want to share the Top Ten helpful dating suggestions...in no particular order of course!

1. Let God pick your dates/future mate...He will direct you to the right person in His timing when you are ready.
2. Be sure this person becomes a friend...and I mean a best friend...and develop that friendship way before any relationship blooms.  Take it slow!  Get to know one another!  Spend a LOT of time talking and knowing one another on a heart level first.
3. You will attract someone right where you are at (think about that one for a second!)...so be sure you are dating out of the right frame of mind and heart and that you are "at" the right place with God.
4. Anyone that slows you down or gets you off course spiritually is dangerous...CUT AND RUN!  They should build you up in the Lord and be running the same race with you or encourage you forward, never backwards.
5. Put God central in any relationship and never put any relationship as an idol before Him.  He is your source for happiness...keep it that way.
6. Purity is of utmost importance always, but particularly for those of us who have experienced infidelity and adultery.  If you can't stay pure in a dating relationship, how will you be able to trust that person in the future and know they have self control if the relationship goes the distance to marriage?
7. If there are any "red flags" or checks in your spirit about the other person, there's your answer.  Don't hang around or convince yourself they will change.  Dating is NOT marriage!  You can stop seeing them NOW before things get more advanced and it becomes more difficult to untangle yourself emotionally from the relationship.  Wait for God's best for your life and do not let the enemy tempt you with any less. 
8. Be yourself, be genuine, give the other person hard tests to see their true motives, and see if you both still like what you see!
9. The couple that prays together, stays together.
10. After a year of dating the same person, if you honestly can't say that this person is "THE ONE" God has picked for you to marry and you still don't have peace about that, then you should really analyze the relationship and make some tough decisions.  (Not saying you should marry at this point by any means, but you should have some inkling of God's direction for the relationship by this point).

There are many more but these are ones that have impacted me.  The best advice I can give to anyone is pray, pray, PRAY! He will open or shut doors as need be, but you must be willing to be obedient and let things play out in His time table, and not your own!

Just my 2 cents...anyone else have any advice they want to share?

JOY

Divorced and Dating, Part 1

This is a topic I've been wanting to write about for quite some time now, and I have a LOT to say about it.  Until now, I really haven't felt led to share some of what I've learned and am learning, but it's been on my heart recently.  I'm no expert on the subject at hand (disclaimer!) but I want to share some of my experiences to those of you who are in my shoes in hopes that something I write might just help give you clarity to your situation.  This is going to be a three part series, so keep checking back if you are interested!

For me, after my divorce, I just was not interested in dating.  I do believe that was a God thing!  So many people run to another person and start dating right away in order to ease the burn of rejection and to feel accepted, but they do it before real healing has occurred.  I think that is very dangerous and can be a ticking time bomb if one is not careful.  My focus post-divorce was to make sure I processed all God had revealed to me and allow myself time to heal and to serve Him in the process.  A "messed up" me would not have been good for anyone.  I was very unsure at that time if I was ever to date, much less remarry again to be honest.  I had the mentality of "done that once, screwed it up, that ship has sailed".  And to be perfectly up front, I didn't have any desire to date.  How would I trust someone?  How would I ever find anyone that would measure up with my HIGH standards and be able to get past my insecurities?  My honest-to-goodness prayer last fall was "God you know I'm happy by myself but if you want someone in my life, YOU will have to drop them on my doorstep because I'm not going to go look for him.  No way, no how!  You can move the mountains, but if you don't, I'm cool with that, too!".  I had been released from my marriage (check out the The Final Chapter for that story) and I felt a sense of relief and gratitude...I didn't want to muddy the waters with dating!

Let me just say that dating in your mid 30s, post-divorce is WAY different than in your 20s!  I no longer was interested in going out to have a free dinner and a fun date!  I craved something deeper and more meaningful and I was only interested in a Godly man that had Christ central in his life...but I assure you, I felt the person I desired just possibly could not exist.  I have looked back over a lot of things, and I realize that what I looked for in a husband in my 20s was very superficial.  The only requirement I wanted in the spiritual sense was..."are they a Christian and do they attend church?  CHECK!"  That was enough...but now, at this age and after my life experiences, that wasn't going to cut it for me.  I guess that's the definition of the saying, "older and wiser".

One of the many dear friends who has mentored me through this season of life is remarried to a wonderful, Godly man.  As a couple, they just really gave me hope and inspired me that maybe, just maybe, things could be different the second time around.  This friend gave me some wonderful advice last fall and I took it to heart.  She recommended I make a list of what my heart's desires were in someone to date and ultimately a future mate.  After making that list, she recommended I pray over it daily.  Not that God needs any help picking someone out for me, but I think it was a good exercise in reminding me what I truly was looking for in a man and to not settle for less than God's best for me.  And let me just say, this list turned out to be exhaustive and long (I don't do anything half way!).  Some things were very superficial, some items were just about likes/dislikes and other things were very deep and spiritual and relational (which to me is the most important but hey, if you are asking for the moon, why not include it all?!).  For the record, I would advise anyone doing this to be very cautious about not making a list that is just the "anti-ex" list!  Truly pray over it and be honest with yourself and God and take your time with the whole process.

For me, this exercise helped give me clarity and it focused me.  I know it might sound elitist, but for me, that wasn't my heart at all.  It gave me hope that God was hearing my heart's desires and He knew where that person was and HE would bring him around when the time was right.  And for me, it was going to take THAT person to get me off my couch as I was very happy with the life I had!  But the peace I had about it all was the fact that I didn't have to make it happen.  God would if and when He was ready and when He thought I was ready!  And you know what?  Turned out I didn't do a thing...I'm a private person so I won't go in to details, but God did drop someone on my figurative door step and in all honesty, it really freaked me out when I started seeing that he matched up to "the list" I had made months before he even entered my life.  I really thought I would be blessed if someone with 50% of the qualities on that list showed up...I know God can do anything He wants, but I thought it was asking too much to hope for the WHOLE LIST.

Turns out, it wasn't too much to ask...how awesome is that?  What a God of details we serve!  That person most certainly does exist and every fear I had to keep me from dating...well God knew exactly how to remedy all those doubts and show me He was in control of the situation.

So for all you singles out there, make your own list.  Be intentional and very specific.  Pray over it and believe in God's abilities to bring beauty out of the ashes of your past mistakes and hurts.  And when you are ready, He will move those mountains.  And trust me, it will be a thing of joy and worth the wait!

JOY

The Sweetness of Second Chances

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I write frequently about being amazed by God, but nothing amazes me as of late more than the second chances He gives His children, whom He obviously so loves.  There are so many negatives in this world, and boy, do we often make such a bigger mess of our lives by taking control of any given situation and just muddying the waters.  But at the end of the day, God continues to give us chance after chance to walk with Him and be in relationship with Him.  Some of us are on our tenth chance or so...but He's still there, pursuing, waiting and loving us until we finally get it right. 

One of the things that I just can't fathom is how God wipes the past away and truly can make all things new.  See, a little over a year ago, I just couldn't see the forest for the trees.  I couldn't understand how the hurt would ever go away.  I felt life as I had known it was over.  And you know what?  That life was over...but not in the way I thought!  That old life was gone, destroyed, broken...never to be repaired.  But what happened next, was truly something that I couldn't have dreamed up.  Out of the dust and grime of a failed marriage blossomed a new creation...a new me.  And I have to admit, I like this "new me" a lot better than the "old me".  I cannot tell you how many people come up to me and tell me they can just see the joy radiating out of me and that it is all over my face...that my mother and father named me perfectly.  What a compliment and a testament of what the Lord has done in my life...and for sure, no one said that in years past I can guarantee.  It's taken me 35 years to live up to my name in a lot of ways.  And that's because I was living for me in the past...I wasn't living for the Lord.  That selfishness was squelching His joy and light in my life.  Now, it's His joy, His love, His grace that pours out of me (well most days I hope!).  Don't get me wrong...I still make a mess of things when I start trying to pick up an issue and try to control it or I start walking in the flesh.  But, now, I'm very sensitive to the Holy Spirit's guidance and direction in my life and that makes a huge difference in how I walk out my faith and daily life.

I can honestly say, that the past is the past.  I don't think about it every day.  Sure, I'm sorry it happened.  But I don't waste time dwelling on it or analyzing it.  Right now, I have so many things in my life that are just so exciting and brand new and full of hope.  God has brought me a new hope, a new future, and a different way to look at and do life with Him.  I have no clue how He does it, but He's wiped the slate clean.  There's no comparisons, there's no doubts, there's no part of my heart that He hasn't healed and transformed.  A do over of sorts.  It truly is like the first time everytime I do something...and it's amazing, wonderful, right and NEW.

No matter what your situation, there is always hope.  Don't believe the lie that you don't deserve a second chance in this world because of past mistakes.  Hang on to God and let Him do the redemptive work in your life He's been trying to do all along.  Sit back, hang on, and be amazed at the ride He will take you on.

Second Chances ROCK!

JOY

It's All In The Details

Have you ever noticed how people will pray according to the size of their issues?  They pray without ceasing if it's a big ole issue...but with the smaller stuff, well they just try to handle those on their own because why bother God with that stuff?!  I find it interesting because I do it myself, but I'm learning, albeit slowly, that we do serve a God of details...even the tiniest, most insignificant ones that don't make a hill of beans to anyone else besides us.

Case in point, a few weeks back I was actually thinking about this blog to be honest.  I pray over each post I write, but I realized I really hadn't been praying daily about how God would use my words now and in the future and that's an area I felt I needed to focus my prayers.  So, I did...and here's when the cool things started happening. 

First off, in the same night of praying about this, I check my email before bed and there's an email from a blogger I read recommending a friend who is in the business of helping you get your blog to the next level.  I think, cool...I will check into that, but no big deal.  The next morning, in my quiet time, I pray again about the situation and then start reading my Bible study and happen to be in Proverbs 31...which reminds me to pray that I will strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman...so I pray about that, too!

But, here's where it gets interesting...later on in the day, a friend of mine who rarely ever emails me, forwards me a friend's blog that she thought I would enjoy.  At the bottom, there is info to subscribe to a daily devotional...and what might that be you ask?  Proverbs 31 Woman...whoa...interesting (and this makes me sit up and take notice)!  But even better than THAT, at the very, very bottom of this email, is a link about a conference that's coming up where Christian writers and speakers can go and hone their skills and develop their craft...I had no idea there were even such things out there!

I was so excited...there it was, an answer to my prayer sitting in my inbox!  I prayed for guidance and direction, and literally, it was delivered electronically in less than 24 hours.  Might not seem like a big deal, but for me, it was confirmation that even though it wasn't a huge issue, God was still listening and He was going to provide direction...and almost instantly at that! 

Luke 11:9-10
So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

See, I think we forget we serve a God of details...we trust in Him for the big stuff, but we don't want to bother Him with the small stuff.  We can't fathom that He cares that deeply for us...but He does.  He knows the number of hairs on our head...what could be more insignificant that THAT?  But He knows that piece of trvia because He loves us and He's that intentional and that specific regarding His children.  He's waiting for us to come to Him, be in relationship, and trust Him with the ALL our stuff. 

So, how will your prayers get answered if you never ask?  Try it...you just might be surprised.

JOY

Excuse Me...Which Way to the Promised Land???

Maybe I've known this in the past and forgotten it, but as I was doing my Bible study, I was in Deuteronomy and read that the Israelites had wandered around aimlessly in the desert for 40 years before they were ready to enter the Promise Land...but the WHOLE TIME they were ELEVEN DAYS AWAY from their final destination.  Do what???  Of course, when this was being revealed to the masses by Moses, all the original Israelites were dead except for three...so this was the next generation that was hearing all of this.  I'm sure they had been walking around, dusty, hungry and grumbling for quite awhile though themselves...can you imagine realizing you had been that close to your destination the whole miserable time?  Knowing me, I probably would have been a little ticked off upon hearing that news.  Talk about taking a few wrong turns!  As I was pondering this and reading about Moses reviewing to the masses all that has happened in those 40 years of history, I was thinking...it was so OBVIOUS to them God was in control and yet, they still were so stubborn.  I mean, they had a cloud to lead them during the day, a fire over the tent of Meeting at night...as in a VISIBLE presence of God at pretty much all times.  And to top it off, they had heard his audible voice during that whole "ten commandments" scene.  Not a thought, or a feeling, but THE REAL McCOY VOICE OF GOD!  And yet, they still sinned, they still grumbled, they still made false idols and danced around them...Stupid, head strong Israelites!

But wait...before we get all holier than thou...let's think about this a minute...

I have to admit, normally when I've read this part of Deuteronomy, what I wrote above was about what I felt about the situation.  However, this time around, God opened my eyes to a whole new way of interpreting this.  He used my life as a comparison (man, do I hate it when He does that!).  I began to look back on my 35 years of life and see that I've been in the desert for quite some time.  In fact, I've taken so many detours, I've gone against the will of God, I've made some serious mistakes, and I've exerted my free will time and time again.  Sometimes even knowing that I was outside of God's will but justifying it anyways (beginning to sound familiar?).  I see that all those detours and me "controlling" the situation was my very own wilderness that I was wandering around (I'm one of the smart ones though...I didn't have to wander for 40 whole years so I guess you can say I'm ahead of schedule!).  And the whole stinkin' time...I was probably less than my very own "figurative" eleven days away from the Promise Land.  God never left me.  Nope, quite the opposite...He was there the entire time, convicting me, showing me His love, encouraging me, and being more patient than I ever could have deserved.  At times, I would get back on track for a period and be headed the right direction...then I would derail again as in one-step forward and two-steps back sort of mentality. 

Then I read the following verse:
Deuteronomy 2:7

For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hand. He knows your walking through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have lacked nothing.

Yep, that's very true.  Even though I was outside of the will of God many times, He continued to provide for me and bless me despite my very own stubborness.  He's been more than patient and He's been waiting.  And He knows every step of my journey.  I didn't go hungry, I didn't lose my job, I didn't have a horrible life.  Quite the opposite.  Life was good.  But you know, as I've been realizing in the past year, my life was NOT God's best for my life.  He allowed me to get into a relationship that wasn't His best for my life because hey, I wasn't going to hear any different than what I wanted!  He didn't want to see me hurt, but He knew that divorce was where it was going to head one day.  But, all along, He was calling me to something different...HIS BEST for my life vs my best for my life.  And I'm begin to come to the realization, that those two things are totally different, and I mean that in a very positive way.  My focus was so superficial and so very small and it just didn't have the depth to go the distance.  His focus and His plan, from what I know thus far, is so deep, I cannot even fathom it some days.  It's mind boggling stuff that, to be honest, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it.  But it's good...it's really good and it's full of joy, hope, and excitement! 

So, as I read those passages and pondered them, I realized, that I'm approaching the Promised Land.  I'm not inside yet, but I'm at the gates and I'm reflecting back on the past 35 years...the good, the bad and the ugly, just like Moses did with the Israelites.  A gentle summary of where I've been to remind me to not make those same mistakes again this go-round.  So, I feel I'm on the cusp of entering into my own Promised Land...and for all the pain, the anguish, and the tears of the past...THIS is what it is all about.  I'm humbled and I'm ready to be used for the Kingdom and for His service.  I'm fighting every day to keep Christ central in my life and let no other idols come before Him.  I've been in the wilderness and it wasn't as much fun as I thought it was at the time, and really, I don't care to go back there.  In fact, it was an illusion of happiness most of the time if I'm being honest.  But for me, that 'wandering aimlessly in the desert' is what it took to transform my life and get me on my knees before my loving Heavenly Father who has been waiting for me to surrender all these years.  So for that, I'm so very thankful for the wilderness. It made me strong and secure of my identity in Christ, and it got rid of the junk in my life that needed to be purged out.

I don't know about you...but I'm ready for the Promised Land.  It's been a long, tiring journey to reach it, but the destination is sweet and full of promise in every sense of the word. 

Thank God for THAT,

JOY