Finding Yourself in the Most Unlikely of Places

I turned 35 years young about two weeks ago and since then, I've really been thinking a lot about what I've learned and how I've changed in the past ten years.  I'm beginning to see that the person I wanted to be and thought I was...I really never was at all.  Personally, I think we spend a lot of our 20's trying to prove ourselves, establish a career, obtain riches, and just show the world that we have made it and we are successful.  In short, we all want to say we are living the American dream...a big house, great job, loving spouse, 2 cars in the garage, and 2.2 kids if you look at the stats (I guess some of us have to throw that curve off!).  But after we obtain that "dream"...plus all the other stuff that goes along with it...I think most of us realize it was just an illusion all along and we got lied to by the world as to what brings true happiness.  In our 30's, we begin to see that money really doesn't buy happiness (or class if we want to be more specific!).  A job and a nice income is wonderful and you have to put food on the table somehow but it doesn't fulfill you the way you thought it would when you were broke as a joke in college living on Ramen and hamburger helper!  The more we make...the more we spend generally (now that's the American way for sure) and we really never get anywhere.  We begin to realize in our 30's that family and friends can't be replaced by a      J-O-B...if there isn't enough time for the people in our lives, then what are we working so hard for?

Nothing causes self discovery like going through some sort of tragedy, and going through a divorce has been that vehicle for me.  I've had to take a hard look at myself, and at times, I've not liked what I've found.  Only by the grace of God and His infinite mercy have I been able to really change, be refined, and reshaped into a person that I'm liking a whole lot better.  I'm about the least perfect person out there, so don't take this as I think I'm perfect...but I'm a good work in progress!  While I've been on this path, I started questioning myself about who I really am...not who I want to be, but what is my identity in Christ.  There is a big difference if you think about it.  So, a lot of self discovery has gone on and through that, I've found me again.  I've talked before about "gettin' back to my roots" and that process has continued as I've simplified and quieted my life.  I spoke, as well, yesterday about what I'm thankful for and in a way, this ties in to that topic.  I'm thankful for just figuring out, at 35, who I really am at my core and what I LIKE...and that's not based on anyone else's opinion of me, such as a parent, a spouse, a sister/brother, employee, friend, or boss...just me plain and simple.  I'm in to lists this month so here we go on a few things I realize I really do love...

• Big Texas-sized truck:  I had never had a car until about 2 years ago and I drove a BMW that was a sweet ride during that time period.  The car was fun, I'm not going to lie, and I may have another one some day BUT I'm back in a truck again for practical reasons and I love it.  It's not new, in fact it's old and has a lot of miles on it, but there's something to be said about the respect you get, particularly as a woman, driving a dually...I mean people treat you with respect that you definitely don't get driving a fancy car!  Instead of trying to run you off the road, they get out of the way! 
• Texas in general:  For the longest time, I wanted to get out of Texas.  I was tired of people talking about my accent, I was tired of being labelled a Texan when I traveled (let me say everyone knows Texas around the world due to GW Bush and the TV show Dallas...we have to take after one or the other in their eyes!), I was tired of being a North Texas snob (sorry that's my name for us up here in DFW) and to be honest, I was just tired of the dang hot summers.  And, I had never lived outside of Texas so I just didn't want to be "that person" who lived and died in the same area code, like that was a dishonorable thing of sorts.  But something changed in the last few years...I began to be proud of where I lived, I began to realize that "getting away" was just an environmental change because I wasn't happy with my self or my situation and a new zip code wasn't going to fix that problem...and I also began to realize Texas is home. In the last year, I've fallen in love with East Texas, where I was born and raised, all over again.  I'm sorry, but this area of  North Texas is just not pretty.  You won't convince me of it no matter how hard you try.  Sure I'm ruffling some feathers here, but it's my blog and my opinion!  I really like my house and where I live, BUT do you know there are four little stinkin' trees on nearly ten acres?  I feel like I live in the plains...I love the beauty of the East Texas pines, even if they do make me sneeze sometimes.  I love to see the leaves change as you drive through the country in the fall.  I love to see all the rolling pastures in the summer with the green coastal waving in the breeze.  I love to talk to people whose accent is more severe than mine.  I love those good ole East Texas sayings that no one up here ever seems to get (come stay awhile in East Texas and you will see that I didn't make this stuff up...I'm not that original!).  I love the people who are just good, salt-of-the-earth, God fearin' folks.  It's home and I have a connection there that runs deep.   
• My Horses:  There was a period, early in my divorce, that I honestly didn't know if I would ever ride again.  Those horses sitting in the barn got a lot of false blame put on them and I was resentful of that and they had become a burden to me.  But in time, I have to say, going out and throwing a leg over a horse is about the best therapy in the world.  And taking care of something other than yourself is good for the soul as well.  There have been times as I've ridden at night or in the quiet of the evening that I have heard God the clearest and you can't put a price tag on that.  If you aren't a horse person, you don't get it and I won't try to explain it.  Barrel racing and horses are a hobby now, they aren't my job, and I may never win a world championship, but it's not about the winning anymore (but I really do like to win...!) but it's about being a part of the game.  "Horse people" just get one another and there is a connection there and a bond that's pretty cool.  We've got the "fever" running through our veins and we just can't explain that to the city folk! 
• Country sunrises, sunsets, and starry nights:  For awhile, I thought I was going to move from Ponder.  But, God worked some things out and I got to stay.  And you know, in six years I have lived on that property, I never once realized the wonders of God's world that surrounds me there.  I mean, I've traveled around the world in search of beauty and relics and history...and then I realize I've been sitting on a gold mine all this time!  I love to watch the sun rise off my back porch as I do my quiet time and it amazes me how every day, every season, that view is different.  No two days are alike.  And there are some clear nights where every star in the sky is visible and I just sit outside and take it all in...God's magesty and canvas right there in Ponder, Tx.  How did I miss it before?  Simple...I was too busy and I wasn't looking.
• Small Groups: If you know me, you know I've never met a stranger.  But, I've learned that I really enjoy smaller groups of people or even one-on-one because I can really get to know someone and talk their heads off vs being pulled in ten different directions and not being able to focus on one person at a time.  I so enjoy going for coffee with a friend and just chatting for hours and catching up.  I like that connection, that undivided attention, and you just can't get that in a big room full of people.
• Being a Vet: I really like what I do, plain and simple.  I wake up and I look forward to it all.  I know God called me to this profession and I love the challenges each day brings.  It is never the same day-to-day and I feel very blessed to be in this profession.  I love owning my own business and I'm not ashamed of being a strong, independent woman. 

That's just a little glimpse into my life and what makes me tick...I think there is a part of us all that God has just hard-wired and it is part of our core and it doesn't need to be messed with!  I could be wrong, but for me, it's like trying to swim upstream.  I'm learning that there is nothing to be ashamed of in embracing your past and bringing it into your future.

Music affects me very deeply, as I know it does a lot of people, but one of the songs I relate with right now is sung by my Lindale homegirl, Miranda Lambert, called "The House that Built Me"...I mean it is a great song whether you are a fan of hers or not.  I put a link to the video below for you to listen to if you are so inclined.  Part of the lyrics say "Out here it's like I'm someone else...I thought maybe I could find myself...You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can...I got lost in this ole world and forgot who I am..."  Every time I hear that part, it is hard for me not to tear up because I see that I really did get lost in this big ole world trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be.  I was doing the best I could, but let's face it, our best is just never enough.  God's best for our lives is the mark we should be shooting for.  I missed that then and I see that God's plan for our lives really isn't that complex, in fact it is pretty simple.  We are the ones that muddy the waters and make it hard.    So for 2011, I'm embracing my roots, and the joy and "newness" I've found in this life with God's help and I'm looking forward to just being me.

Joy

http://www.cmt.com/videos/miranda-lambert/500805/the-house-that-built-me.jhtml

November Wrap Up and Thanksgiving Blessings!

Where has the time gone?  November is over after tomorrow and I've barely began to process all that has happened in this month!  This time of the year flies by so fast and it is easy to just put life on "cruise control" and hang on for the ride.  However, I want to take this moment to reflect back on what I'm thankful for and the blessings I've received in the past year.  I hope each of you will take the time to quiet your mind and do the same and not get too caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays.

• Family:  Those closest to you are the easiest to take for granted it seems, but I'm grateful for a family that rallied around me, supported me, loved on me and accepted me even when I was at my lowest and just couldn't see the forrest for the trees.  A family who never said I was crazy for believing in a miracle or never disputed the words God spoke to me, even if it did seem pretty nuts at times.  The same family who believed in me and believed in God and His plan for my life...they let me fall and get scraped up and learn the lessons I needed to learn but did not try to enable me, coddle me, or rescue me...but at the same time they were there, rock solid, at all times and I knew that.  To the father who drove nearly 150 miles, one way, taking off of work to sit with me in an attorney's office and try to help her make heads or tails of my emotional crisis and breakdown and collapse of my life and the fear and shock I was dealing with in a 1 1/2 hour meeting and then turned around and drove straight home; To the mother who drove 300+ miles at 5am from my sister's house to be with me and help me walk through the shock of a spouse walking out suddenly and who spent a few holidays with me, alone; To the sister who literally talked me off the cliff more than once when I just wanted to quit, give up, throw in the towel because the pain was just unbearable and who was my trusted confidant and sounding board at so many turns in the road; To the brother-in-law who gave me sound, business and financial advice and helped me negotiate in some tricky waters and was the voice of reason and practicality I needed to hear many times (and gave me clothing advice so I didn't look like a grandma! LOL)...to these people a thank you isn't enough.  I could write forever on things they did, breaking their backs for me, but instead I will just say...I love you.
• Friends:  I've written on this subject many times but let me just say, you separate the sheep from the goats as far as friends when you go through any type of struggle.  What doesn't break you makes you stronger and that goes for friendships as well.  I won't mention names but you know who you are...to those who took late night calls and went without sleep just to be a lifeline to me; to those who slapped on gloves and went to work CSI fashion in my home late at night (now that's a real friend let me just say); to those who took me out or had me over to their house and made me eat or bought me meals when I was too depressed to pick up a fork; to those who saved me a seat in church and put the word out so I wouldn't feel embarrassed being alone; to those who gave up their own precious family time to be with me; to those who prayed, who believed, who loved on me and encouraged me; to those who helped me when I was at different cross roads and who helped me walk in the spirit and not the flesh; to those who pulled me aside and constantly reaffirmed that our God is bigger than any struggle/pain/thorn in the side; to those who wrote my cards, emails and shared their story of heart ache to joy; to those who slept on my couch so I wouldn't have to be alone; to those who celebrated every victory, no matter how small; to those who just came by to give me a hug...to all you I say thank you and my life is richer and fuller because of each of you.  When you walk through fire with someone, a bond is formed that is not easily broken!  I cherish each one of you and I thank you for your prayers, for your encouragement and for accepting me just where I'm at at all times.  Thank you.
• Church Family:  I've heard some nightmare stories from women and men that have walked through the pains of a divorce, which is horrible enough, and then to find out that people in their own church family scorned them or turned up their noses at them.  How horrible, how devastating...and how un-Christ like.  I have to say that not ONE person at my church ever made me feel anything but loved and accepted, even when I was feeling pretty unlovable.  If they felt otherwise, I sure didn't hear it or pick up on it.  I'm so totally blessed to be a part of a church family that accepted me, wrapped their arms around me and spoke powerful words over me that God was most certainly in control of my life and He would use this pain for His glory one day.  They believed not just in me, but the power of our Heavenly Father and His providence and His plan for each of our lives.  They would not accept defeat, nor allow me to do so, and they just simply believed.  I can't tell you how huge that is to have someone stand in agreement with you!  And not only did they believe in me and pray for me...they prayed for Brad and they still do to this day, even though they have had no contact with him for over a year.  I hope he realizes one day the love that his church showed to him, even when he didn't want it nor ask for, and I hope one day those prayers are integral in bringing him back to a relationship with his Father.
• Krum Vet Peeps:  I just want to say that if our government needs any national secrets kept, my employees are up for the job because they are like Fort Knox...ain't no info coming out of their mouths!  I look back and am just amazed at how they rallied behind me, not knowing one detail, but supported me and did not gossip or speculate.  Just kept their heads down, and worked unbelievably hard and took as much pressure off me as they possibly could.  I am blessed to have each of them in my life.  I know there were days that I could NOT have been much fun to work with (heck I didn't even want to be with me!), but they took it in stride and protected me from the outside world.  They have no idea that some days, that all that kept me going was getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of another because I couldn't let them or my clients down.  Thank you guys for your loyalty and hard work and dedication.  You make my job that much better!
• Krum Vet Clients: I tell you, I have the best clients in the world.  Many had no clue what I was going through, just knew I was a bit "off" and not my bubbly self.  They didn't push, they didn't pry, but they were there and supportive and didn't leave in droves to go to another vet!  They were and are loyal and again, gave me something to focus on each day.  They were okay if I wasn't up to being chatty and they didn't get a chip on their shoulder.  If anything, they became more fierce in their loyalty to me!  It's not something I felt comfortable discussing, and I try to keep my private life out of my work anyways...but we are in a small town.  Word gets around (and some of what I heard was REALLY juicy but not true!) whether you want it to or not.  Thanks for respecting my privacy and for continuing to stay devoted to my vision here at KVH.
• My neighbors: Small town people are just the best, can I get a witness?!  To the neighbors who came over and did manual labor at my place, mowed my pastures, came out in the freezing temperatures to help me when my pipes busted and I had no water, had me over for dinner and prayer and laughter, and those who just kept a watchful eye on things when I couldn't be home...I really appreciate your support and help.  Being a single woman in the country can be tough, especially when it's the one year we get snowed in not once but TWICE!  But, my place looks better than ever and as they say...it takes a village!
• My life: I don't know how to better say it but I just am so thankful for my life and right where I'm at this very second.  I love my life plain and simple.  I love having horses to ride and time to get away with my thoughts; I love the beautiful sunrises that I get to see every day off my back porch that I somehow missed before; I love my pets that give me constant entertainment (and some days frustration but not too many days!); I love the stillness and quietness of where I live; I love my home that I've made into my very own; I love the fact that I've gotten back to my roots and rediscovered who I truly am, what I truly like to do, and can just be me again; I love to sit outside and just look at the open sky and reflect on what God is doing...I just love where I'm at mentally, physically and spiritually.  I don't know how else to say it...but life is good!  People often say "we just want you to be happy"...well happiness doesn't come from me or from you...it comes from above and I'm glad to say I AM HAPPY, but only because of HIM!
• My Heavenly Father: I saved the best for last...I'm just so thankful for a God that has loved me my whole life, who has waited patiently for me to come to Him with a fully submitted and devoted heart and spirit, and who has held my hand and even carried me every step of this journey.  I am so unworthy, I truly am.  I will never be able to 100% grasp the depth of His love for me, but I have just learned to accept it, embrace it and cherish it.  I learned He is all I really ever needed...and He had been there the whole time!  He has stretched me, changed me, refined me, sifted me and grown me in the past year and let me just say, it hurt...alot...but it has all been worth it.  I don't understand it all but I can already see His plan unfolding, just a tiny glimmer of it, and it's just so cool.  I'm so blessed to have a relationship with Him and I honestly don't know what I would have done without Him being the guiding force in my life.  The best thing I ever did was get on my knees so totally broken and give in to His plan for my life.  To let go, submit, give Him control and just admit not only do I not have it all figured out...I've made a complete mess of things and I give up trying to do it on my own...that journey has been so rewarding.  Thank you Lord for using me and showing me YOU have a plan...it's all for YOUR GLORY!

There's so, so, so much more I could write but that's a start...I'm so humbled at the abundance I have in my life and I thank God that He's blessed me over and over again, even though I really don't deserve it.  I just hope in this next year, I can be the blessing to someone else.  Count your blessings this day and don't get lost in the commercial-ness of this time of the year...remember He truly is the reason for the season!

A heart full of thanks,

JOY

Seek His Presence...and He will be found!

A few months ago, I wrote about my upcoming "assignment solitude" retreat, which just turned out to be on the one year anniversary of my marriage literally being over, now that I look back on things.  Funny how God's timing is just like that...and after last week, I knew the specific weekend that I picked had been divinely planned.  Anyways, I went out on my own little sabbatical this past weekend seeking solitude and God's presence.  As life will have it, Friday was just an insane day for me and part of me just wanted to stay home and not go anywhere.  I'm so glad I fought against that and I sought out on my own little soul searching weekend.

In two full days of quiet, solitude, being along with God in His creation, not seeing or talking to another person and just basically becoming very quiet, I can tell you that I felt God's presence like never before for that long of a time frame.  I took some very big decisions with me on the drive up, and I had very real clarity and answers on the drive home.  God gave me a specific course, not necessarily a timeline, but I have a step wise plan.  He kept sending me back to His Word to back it up...so it wasn't a fluke.  Even I could read it there in black and white.  I see there are some very big mountains that will need to be moved for everything to line up, but I know that God will moving them...He already has started the process.  I could write for days upon days about all the revelations I received and the healing that occurred, but I don't think words could do it justice.  Words truly can't describe the experience so I'm not going to even try.  But, I will say that God impressed upon me in big ways that the life I have right now is good and no one can deny that, not even me...but the one He is calling me to will be better and truly His best for my life.  I'm going to have to let go of something good to get something better in other words.  That's so exciting but there is some fear in there, too.  I'm going to have to take some giant leaps of faith and get out of my comfort zone...but that's what I call being stretched by God and that's where true growth occurs.  That's my heart's desire...to grow closer to the Lord every day and just be a servant for what He calls me to do...but it doesn't mean it is an easy process.

This weekend, I looked back over the last year of pain and trials and I just see God's hand all over it.  There were some terrible things I had to walk through and uncover, but I'm glad I did because there was light shed on some areas of darkness in my life that needed to be brought to light.  I would not want to be living the lie I was then.  No way, no how.  Because of where I'm standing now, and the changes in my life, I embrace the past year and the pain.  It's made me who I am, and I don't have to be ashamed of that!  My life today is fuller, richer, and more complete that it has ever been because of my walk with God.  Sure, there are things I miss, but I know God knows the desires of my heart and He will bring everything full circle in His timing.  I'm still a work in progress, and I always will be, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm right where God wants me to be and that's a very good feeling. 

As I went to turn my key in on Sunday afternoon, I met the owner of the ranch where I was staying...I had a brief conversation with her when I booked the room a few months back, and other than knowing I was single, she didn't know much about me at all.  When I handed her my key, she gave me a big hug and said "I want you to know that I've been praying for you all weekend as I looked in the direction of your cabin and I asked God to show you what you came here to figure out."  To say my jaw dropped, would be a gross understatement.  I was floored and I teared up and told her that for sure, He did speak to me and I appreciated her prayers more than she would ever know.  As I got in my truck and drove out of there, I was just so humbled that God continues to put folks in my life, some I don't even know, who have interceded on my behalf and been so faithful to me and to God.  So, for all of you who have prayed for me, some that I know and some that I don't know, I want you to know that I have felt your prayers and I just feel so blessed that each of you have been there doing battle behind the scenes for me.  And I want you to know that because of that and God's infinite grace and mercy, I'm gonna be all right...the best is yet to come!

JOY

The Last Chapter of the Book

My life is so different from a year ago...and I mean different in a good way.  I look back on the past year of my life, and even I can see the changes in myself but it makes me very happy when others notice it, too.  I'm happy in ways I have not been in a very long time...and learned what that joy that comes from God is all about.  I love life, I look forward to each day and I know God has very big plans for my future and I absolutely CANNOT wait!

With that being said, I've put myself out there, really out there, for God lately.  I've done some radical things and stuck my neck out for the Kingdom and strongholds have been broken in people's lives because of my witness.  That brings me great joy seeing lives set free to live for the Kingdom.  But, I know that infuriates the enemy and sets me up for attack.  Well, the last blow of a chain of events came yesterday.  I won't go into it all because I never want to slander anyone through my writing, but let's just say the last shoe in a very long year finally dropped.  The truth I had desperately wanted for people to know in the last year finally came out, not without a layer of pain to me but it's okay.  I've been through way worse in the past year and I'm a survivor.  God has finally vindicated me and the truth truly has set me free.

The news came in just God's perfect timing after me and a friend had JUST been talking about this situation that I knew would be coming Monday night...and then less than 24 hours later, I find out it had happened.  I have talked very publicly and openly about my stand for my marriage through the divorce.  And if God had wanted me to keep standing, I would have been obedient, I really would have.  But, in August, He released me from my marriage and let me know that I had done what He had asked but the other side was just lost, deceived and had every chance to turn away, but they refused to do so.  That was hard for me to let go but I've learned to trust in Him.  And, last month, I was talking with a friend who is going through the EXACT same thing (I mean down to the same wording...it's nuts how the enemy keeps using the same ole tricks because hey, they are working) and she was telling me the promises God had spoken over her about restoration of her marriage.  I realized later that God had never spoken over me that my marriage would be restored, quite the opposite actually; He told me the divorce would have to happen in order for His plan to play out in the future.  I now know that my stand for my marriage, in the face of humiliation and adversity, was not what I thought, as in my marriage would be restored...but in fact it was all about obedience and patience and discipline that He wanted to build in me.  What a revelation!  It was a test of sorts...and after the work in me was complete, He let me move on.  Course, I still was uncertain and wanting to make 100% sure this was of God and just not of me WANTING to move on but yesterday, the last question was answered.  Sure, it hurt but in a way, I am so very relieved.  I feel free, lighter, vindicated, and just....glad it's over.  I do feel sad for the other parties involved because this road is not a pretty one...but I wish no ill will and the burden is off of me and onto someone else.  I do believe no one is past God's saving grace, but now I know that door is firmly closed for me in that relationship, never to be reopened again.

I also realized that now, my feet are on solid, rock foundation...not shifting sand as before...and when the winds come, because they will always through life, this time, I will not be moved.  My foundation is solid now and praise the Lord for that!!!  That was very clear to me after yesterday.  God also placed a very important person in my path a month or so ago, that was very instrumental in talking to me yesterday and making me laugh through the tears.  They know who they are and I'm very thankful for their presence in my life.  What the enemy so wanted to use to harm me, my Lord and Savior turned to good and real joy!  I just feel so very blessed!!!  It feels so good to laugh and I'm taking the suggestion of several to not let recent events of this year and last year ruin November for me...in fact, I'm celebrating being free of my chains and not being held back anymore!  Now where's the cake?!

So, the final chapter has been written and this book is now closed.  I'm really excited about my "new book" of life and where it will head.  God has really been impressing on me lately some very big changes...in order for these changes to happen, a lot of mountains will have to be moved.  But, our God is greater and stronger and I know if I'm in HIS WILL and this is what HE wants, it will happen.  I'm so very greatful for second chances, that I know I don't deserve but I'm glad we serve such a loving Father who grants them anyways.  I'm bound and determined to walk this next part of my life with God, waiting on Him at every turn, to the very best of my humanly abilities with God's help of course!

Thanks for all the well wishes, the rally of support by my friends and family checking in on me, but honestly, I'm good.  Heck, I'm BETTER than good...I'm great!  This weekend, in yet another show of God's impeccable timing, I'm going on my solitude journey to just hang out with God, listen and reflect on the last year.  I can't wait...His timing never ceases to amaze me.

Love to all!

JOY

Milestones and reflections

The month of November has always been "my month"...the most exciting time of the year for me because it contains a nationally known, world famous date...my birthday!  I always get made fun of because I don't celebrate a day, I celebrate a week or longer if I can get away with it!  When asked what my favorite holiday is, I always say my birthday!  I know it is silly to some, but it's my day and I love the attention and suprises and the fun that I don't have to share with anyone else.  It's just the way I feel and I blame my mother for spoiling me!

With that being said, obviously last November was chalked up to the worst birthday EVER on record...as in my husband left me three days before it.  Sure, my sister and my best friend flew in and tried their level best to make it a fun day...and we did have fun...but we all ignored the big elephant in the room that my life was falling apart and none of us knew would happen next.  Those are true friends that drop everything (including kids) and are there for you when you are hurting and do their best to put on a happy face when they were scared for me and dying inside as well.  But they never let it show.  Holly & Brandi...thank you...you both are God's precious gifts to me!  So, I mean no disrespect to them when I say last year my birthday sucked...there is no nice way to put it and I know they understand the point I'm making.  So, as I have begun to approach a lot of those "negative year marks" this year, I secretly wished October wouldn't end because I didn't know how I would feel when the calendar flipped to November.

This past weekend marked a turning point in the dissolution of my marriage last year (didn't know it at the time but that's how it turned out) and I didn't know how I would feel about that this year.  I was fortunate (okay God laid it out and I know that) to be surrounded on Satuday by amazing prayer warriors and visionarians and just had an awesome day in the Lord.  I was in East Texas and the drive down was beautiful and again, I realize I miss home and still consider that home.  I did a lot of driving this weekend and I do some of my best thinking and praying while I travel and all is quiet and this was no different.  I realized that God has really helped me to erase the bad memories of the past year and focus on the positive things instead and these milestones are not actually negative but they are touchstones on how far I've come with God's guidance.  And that's something to be celebrated, not be afraid of!  I got to spend some time with my dad and we even got to see my Aggies whip up on those Sooners Saturday night, so it doesn't get much better than that!  Sunday, I went to a friend's church and the message was on endurance...what a perfect word to describe the last year for me!  There have been times I wanted to quit this race, didn't think I could take another step, but God gently nudged me forward.  Sometimes I didn't even know why, but I chose to be obedient and He's blessed that.  It wasn't easy and it sure wasn't fun at times but I'm glad I didn't quit.  And I see our walks with Christ as just that...a marathon to be run.  Sometimes there are hills to go up and you are struggling during those miles, but other times, you are coastiing downhill and life is just easy.  They all add up and they are all part of the same race---you can't have the downhills without the uphills or the flat sections.  It's just part of the race plain and simple.  This weekend turned out to be just a really cool time and I can honestly say, I enjoyed every minute of it!

A year ago, I just couldn't see a down the road, nor did I want to I don't think.  I was scared and insecure.  But now, here I sit a year later and I can honestly say, life is so sweet!  I've moved out of the pain and I've accepted what blows have come to me.  It's just the path I had to take.  I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, in fact, I'm extremely JOYFUL and confident in what God is doing in my life!  And that is only by God's hand, as it is nothing I could have ever done on my own.  So, in the next year, I'm excited to look forward with hope to see what God will bring into my life.  I'm celebrating ALL MONTH long and just giving thanks for the blessings in my life!

To end this, I have to share one last thing...as I was pulling in to Ponder last night, I was praying about some things and asking for guidance and clarity and direction.  At that moment, my XM radio came on and the song playing was David Crowder's "Oh Praise Him".  You may be thinking, what's the big deal?  The big deal is this...my little XM box has not worked since THIS SUMMER in my truck--it has sat there blank and dead for months with no signs of life, even with me trying to tinker with it.  And since it hasn't worked, when it was time to renew two months ago, I just let the service lapse.  So, I haven't even PAID for the service in months!  I about ran off the road when I realized it was on!!!  I promise, I can't make this stuff up---it actually happened!  So, I took it as God's little reminder to just praise Him for everything in my life.  He's got the details all figured out so I just need to chill out and let Him handle things as He's way more capable than me!  (And another note...after that song finished, it quit working and hasn't worked today at all so it wasn't just a fluke!)

Counting my blessings and celebrating this November!

JOY

Hope vs Expectation

So many amazing and exciting things have been happening in the past few weeks, so I shouldn't have been suprised when I came under attack in the past week and a half on all sides.  But as happens in an attack, it can hit you hard, out of the blue and just be tough to stand up against no matter how many "weapons" you have in your arsenal.  I've just been fighting an uphill battle and life has just been...hard and tiring...as of late.  All the excitement I had a few weeks back was just becoming a distant memory.  And, then last week, I got this devotional email that really made me think about how I was looking at things in my life.  It has stuck with me several days, and I even woke up at 3am one day this week thinking on it some more and coming to some realizations.  I've copied it here and given the author credit so you can have the full effect vs. me trying to paraphrase.

The Difference Between Expectations and Hope


Copyright Debbie Taylor Williams, excerpt from The Plan A Woman in a Plan B World: What to Do When Life Doesn’t Go According to Plan

In college I received a plaque that had a photograph of a cocker spaniel and the caption, “Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.” I paid little attention to the words, but I thought the picture of the dog was adorable and hung it on my dorm-room wall.

Months later, after a series of disappointments, the plaque’s words came alive to me. It’s true, I decided. If I don’t expect things of people or situations, then I won’t be disappointed when they don’t turn out the way I wanted. I lived with that philosophy for months. After a while, however, the mantra became unsettling. How does that philosophy fit with Christianity? I wondered. Aren’t Christians supposed to hope? Going to my Bible, I found numerous insights about hope and expectations. I learned that hoping in Christ brings peace and confidence. Expectations, however, can be land mines that damage relationships and cause despair.


The word expect or a derivative of it is used only thirty-one times in the Hebrew and Greek Scriptures. However, hope is used 139 times. Consider how expectations and hope are used in the following verses:
• “You are my hope; O Lord God, You are my confidence from my youth” (Ps. 71:5).
• “The hope of the righteous is gladness, but the expectation of the wicked perishes” (Prov. 10:28)
• “The desire of the righteous is only good, but the expectation of the wicked is wrath” (Prov. 11:23).


What do you notice about the way the above verses use the words expectations and hope?


The word hope is associated with the righteous, gladness, and goodness. The word expectation is associated with the wicked, perishing, and wrath. In researching the Hebrew definitions for hope and expectation in the above verses, I made an interesting discovery. The word for hope in Psalm 71:5 and for expectation in Proverbs 10:28 and 11:23 both mean “cord, ground of hope, things hoped for, outcome.” What does that tell us in relation to the above verses? Both the righteous and wicked have a cord to which they hold. Both have a ground of hope on which they stand. Yet the outcome for each is drastically different. Why?


We’ll discover the reason as we inspect the believer’s hope. We’ll learn that our expectations of others can be dangerous land mines that lead to disappointment— especially if our expectations are skewed or unrealistic. But hope placed in God leads to blessings.

Now that makes one think, doesn't it?  What I realized in the past week was that I had been praying a lot about certain circumstances...expectantly instead of hopefully.  I guess you could say I was telling God what I wanted and how and when I wanted it!  What a selfish and non-Christ centered way to pray!  I was upset when life wasn't going my way and I was gently reminded that we have never been promised an easy time of it as Christians (quite the opposite actually as in God's word says we WILL face trials and suffering).  I read a great quote by Sheila Walsh that said "Jesus did not come to get us out of the pain...He came to walk with us THROUGH the pain."  Can't get much clearer than that! 

We live in a fallen world and bad things happen to good people.  We all know someone, or maybe we are the person, who is jobless or worse homeless, been divorced, has cancer, lost a loved one, been cheated on or wronged in some way, facing financial woes, etc...basically life just didn't turn out how we thought it should.  Some weeks are just going to be tough, so just build a bridge and get over it!  But, keep looking up and keep your hope in the Lord, not in things, a job, person, etc.  It is biblical to have hope...just don't expect an outcome.  That's all up to God's perfect will and timing, not our own.  I was reminded of this again this week as I was driving home, frustrated about a tough day at work where I just felt beat down, and I looked down at the ring I wear and I kid you not, the HOPE side was facing up and staring me in the face.  Humbling and another good reminder that my hope was in the wrong thing at that moment (namely myself, which is not so bueno!) and I just needed a good ole attitude adjustment!  I couldn't control nor fix this problem on my own...but God sure can.

And I will be honest, there are a few situations in my life right now that I have a LOT of hope about...some exciting things that I'm taking a step out in faith with a little bit of shakey legs in the process.  But, I'm now praying for God's will to be done and not Joy's!  I'm full of hope and really excited about the next steps in my future...I've been given a second chance of sorts and the slate has been wiped clean.  I'm hopeful but not expecting...only God knows where this road will lead!

Hoping!

JOY