Nothing causes self discovery like going through some sort of tragedy, and going through a divorce has been that vehicle for me. I've had to take a hard look at myself, and at times, I've not liked what I've found. Only by the grace of God and His infinite mercy have I been able to really change, be refined, and reshaped into a person that I'm liking a whole lot better. I'm about the least perfect person out there, so don't take this as I think I'm perfect...but I'm a good work in progress! While I've been on this path, I started questioning myself about who I really am...not who I want to be, but what is my identity in Christ. There is a big difference if you think about it. So, a lot of self discovery has gone on and through that, I've found me again. I've talked before about "gettin' back to my roots" and that process has continued as I've simplified and quieted my life. I spoke, as well, yesterday about what I'm thankful for and in a way, this ties in to that topic. I'm thankful for just figuring out, at 35, who I really am at my core and what I LIKE...and that's not based on anyone else's opinion of me, such as a parent, a spouse, a sister/brother, employee, friend, or boss...just me plain and simple. I'm in to lists this month so here we go on a few things I realize I really do love...
- Big Texas-sized truck: I had never had a car until about 2 years ago and I drove a BMW that was a sweet ride during that time period. The car was fun, I'm not going to lie, and I may have another one some day BUT I'm back in a truck again for practical reasons and I love it. It's not new, in fact it's old and has a lot of miles on it, but there's something to be said about the respect you get, particularly as a woman, driving a dually...I mean people treat you with respect that you definitely don't get driving a fancy car! Instead of trying to run you off the road, they get out of the way!
- Texas in general: For the longest time, I wanted to get out of Texas. I was tired of people talking about my accent, I was tired of being labelled a Texan when I traveled (let me say everyone knows Texas around the world due to GW Bush and the TV show Dallas...we have to take after one or the other in their eyes!), I was tired of being a North Texas snob (sorry that's my name for us up here in DFW) and to be honest, I was just tired of the dang hot summers. And, I had never lived outside of Texas so I just didn't want to be "that person" who lived and died in the same area code, like that was a dishonorable thing of sorts. But something changed in the last few years...I began to be proud of where I lived, I began to realize that "getting away" was just an environmental change because I wasn't happy with my self or my situation and a new zip code wasn't going to fix that problem...and I also began to realize Texas is home. In the last year, I've fallen in love with East Texas, where I was born and raised, all over again. I'm sorry, but this area of North Texas is just not pretty. You won't convince me of it no matter how hard you try. Sure I'm ruffling some feathers here, but it's my blog and my opinion! I really like my house and where I live, BUT do you know there are four little stinkin' trees on nearly ten acres? I feel like I live in the plains...I love the beauty of the East Texas pines, even if they do make me sneeze sometimes. I love to see the leaves change as you drive through the country in the fall. I love to see all the rolling pastures in the summer with the green coastal waving in the breeze. I love to talk to people whose accent is more severe than mine. I love those good ole East Texas sayings that no one up here ever seems to get (come stay awhile in East Texas and you will see that I didn't make this stuff up...I'm not that original!). I love the people who are just good, salt-of-the-earth, God fearin' folks. It's home and I have a connection there that runs deep.
- My Horses: There was a period, early in my divorce, that I honestly didn't know if I would ever ride again. Those horses sitting in the barn got a lot of false blame put on them and I was resentful of that and they had become a burden to me. But in time, I have to say, going out and throwing a leg over a horse is about the best therapy in the world. And taking care of something other than yourself is good for the soul as well. There have been times as I've ridden at night or in the quiet of the evening that I have heard God the clearest and you can't put a price tag on that. If you aren't a horse person, you don't get it and I won't try to explain it. Barrel racing and horses are a hobby now, they aren't my job, and I may never win a world championship, but it's not about the winning anymore (but I really do like to win...!) but it's about being a part of the game. "Horse people" just get one another and there is a connection there and a bond that's pretty cool. We've got the "fever" running through our veins and we just can't explain that to the city folk!
- Country sunrises, sunsets, and starry nights: For awhile, I thought I was going to move from Ponder. But, God worked some things out and I got to stay. And you know, in six years I have lived on that property, I never once realized the wonders of God's world that surrounds me there. I mean, I've traveled around the world in search of beauty and relics and history...and then I realize I've been sitting on a gold mine all this time! I love to watch the sun rise off my back porch as I do my quiet time and it amazes me how every day, every season, that view is different. No two days are alike. And there are some clear nights where every star in the sky is visible and I just sit outside and take it all in...God's magesty and canvas right there in Ponder, Tx. How did I miss it before? Simple...I was too busy and I wasn't looking.
- Small Groups: If you know me, you know I've never met a stranger. But, I've learned that I really enjoy smaller groups of people or even one-on-one because I can really get to know someone and talk their heads off vs being pulled in ten different directions and not being able to focus on one person at a time. I so enjoy going for coffee with a friend and just chatting for hours and catching up. I like that connection, that undivided attention, and you just can't get that in a big room full of people.
- Being a Vet: I really like what I do, plain and simple. I wake up and I look forward to it all. I know God called me to this profession and I love the challenges each day brings. It is never the same day-to-day and I feel very blessed to be in this profession. I love owning my own business and I'm not ashamed of being a strong, independent woman.
Music affects me very deeply, as I know it does a lot of people, but one of the songs I relate with right now is sung by my Lindale homegirl, Miranda Lambert, called "The House that Built Me"...I mean it is a great song whether you are a fan of hers or not. I put a link to the video below for you to listen to if you are so inclined. Part of the lyrics say "Out here it's like I'm someone else...I thought maybe I could find myself...You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can...I got lost in this ole world and forgot who I am..." Every time I hear that part, it is hard for me not to tear up because I see that I really did get lost in this big ole world trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I was doing the best I could, but let's face it, our best is just never enough. God's best for our lives is the mark we should be shooting for. I missed that then and I see that God's plan for our lives really isn't that complex, in fact it is pretty simple. We are the ones that muddy the waters and make it hard. So for 2011, I'm embracing my roots, and the joy and "newness" I've found in this life with God's help and I'm looking forward to just being me.
Joy
http://www.cmt.com/videos/miranda-lambert/500805/the-house-that-built-me.jhtml
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